How to give and receive constructive criticism

Criticism is a word that sets most of us on edge. It has connotations that undermine our self-esteem, that generate fear and create a defensiveness that doesn’t allow us to really hear what is being said. While no one likes to be told they have behaved inappropriately, made a mistake or their performance has been disappointing, criticism is a powerful and useful tool to stimulate our emotional and professional growth, improve our relationships and assist us in achieving our goals. Yet personal criticism is something many of us do not deal with very well. Whether it comes in the form of a word, gesture, facial expression or formal letter, we too often allow criticism to devastate us.

Criticism can trigger reactions ranging from aggression and anger to submissiveness and despair. Yet it doesn’t have to be so. It is possible for us to control our reaction to criticism and to turn the comment made into a positive rather than a negative. It’s possible to become stronger and more confident in the face of criticism, to turn failure into success and personal attack into an opportunity to grow, emotionally and spiritually.

Of course, it’s natural to want to avoid criticism, but it’s a normal part of our interactions with others. It’s an essential aspect of communication, though not always successfully communicated. And it is because so many of us have not learned to offer criticism effectively that most have such difficulty accepting it. We have had too many years of criticism delivered in anger, of it being overly personal and sometimes clouded by other issues to make ourselves open to the wonderful gift it can be.

The chance for growth

The first thing to understand is there are two types of criticism and, while your reactions to both may be similar, the strategies for dealing with them are quite different. The first type of criticism is usually referred to as constructive criticism and it comes from a good place in the heart and mind of the critic. Constructive criticism is meant to help you either professionally or personally. It is supposed to make you aware of the truth of a situation. It expresses the concern and support of the critic for the person they are speaking to and it should be the catalyst for making positive change.

The second kind of criticism is destructive criticism and it’s designed to be harmful and give control to the critic. Destructive criticism is hurtful and can impact negatively on self-esteem. It can destroy relationships and cause unnecessary anxiety and stress. This kind of criticism is rarely useful as it’s generally delivered in a way that is angry and mean-spirited. It is the kind that triggers the most extreme of reactions and can have far-reaching consequences for everyone involved.

To deal appropriately with either kind of criticism you need to first listen, then think and finally take control of the moment. It is too easy for emotions to take over when you are criticised and this can impede your ability to cope effectively. Before you can deal with criticism, then, you must first bring your feelings into balance. This might mean taking time to breathe slowly and deeply; it might mean emotionally distancing yourself from the moment; or it could require you to ask for time out so you can calm down and think. Whatever method works best for you, it’s important not to delay the inevitable conversation that must be had when criticism has been offered.

It’s also important that you ascertain in what spirit the criticism is being given. If it’s with the intention of offering guidance or insight that will promote self-improvement it can lessen the hurt you will naturally feel. One of the ways you can do this draws on the idea of mindfulness. Learning to take a step back from a situation can create a barrier of sorts that will allow you to feel less wounded by what is happening and being said. It can create a sense of calm so you can hear the feedback in an objective way and respond appropriately.

This may mean asking questions to clarify the situation or meaning. It may mean accepting the feelings of the other person without taking on board their anger. It might also mean accepting you have done the wrong thing or let someone down and need to offer an apology or reassurance if necessary.

Another way to manage your reaction to criticism is to approach it as a learning experience. It’s important to remember that no one is perfect and even when you try very hard to do things right you can and will make mistakes. Perfectionism is not useful if it prevents you from accepting criticism when it is warranted. Nor is perfectionism useful if it prevents you from using the moment as an opportunity to improve yourself.

When you become captured by the web that perfectionism can wind around you it makes it impossible to accept that others may have more experience than you or may be more adept or aware. In this situation, learning to ask for advice is a crucial part of accepting criticism. It is an empowering moment that loosens the grip of perfectionism and opens up opportunities for success and growth.

Defensiveness is a common reaction to criticism, but it is a knee-jerk response that does not serve you well. Admitting and accepting you have made a mistake will build self-confidence and improve both your personal and professional relationships. When you take a step back (remember the mindfulness technique already mentioned) you can look at criticism objectively. It can offer you a chance to see yourself in a context that can be illuminating.

It can offer you a place of honesty that cannot be achieved when you are defensive. And honesty is a tool that can help you to react to criticism in an empowering and positive way. It’s not possible to be alert to everything and everyone around you all the time, nor is it possible to please everyone all the time, but criticism can be a wake-up call, a reminder that your actions and words do not exist in isolation.

Defending yourself

While in some circumstances it is better to accept what is being said without challenge, in other moments it’s crucial that you are able to defend yourself. Personal attack or destructive criticism is never pleasant and is very different from what has been previously addressed. Personal attack can often be triggered by situations that have nothing to do with you — you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time or your actions or words were the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Personal attack can be based on jealousy or the low self-esteem of the critic.

Whatever the cause, unfair criticism can be debilitating if repeated too often. A vulnerable individual can come to believe what is being said of them if they hear it often enough, but even a one-off event can be upsetting and wreak havoc on a relationship. This kind of personal attack is always meant to be destructive and to inflict pain, so it’s vital that you not only protect yourself but that you can see what is really happening and act accordingly.

If you find yourself under personal attack you must first listen to what is being said and weed out the truth from that which is being hurled at you simply to be hurtful. Once you have clarified what is truly happening, you can think about what you should do, if anything. If you should decide to discuss the situation with the other person, it’s crucial that you maintain a sense of calm and a tone of voice that is as soothing as you can make it. An angry or aggressive person will often lose some of their fire if their ferocity isn’t fed.

It’s also important to stay on point. Of course, you can acknowledge any points you feel are fair, but otherwise keep only to the fact that you feel the criticism you are being dealt is unfair or unwarranted. It is unnecessary and unproductive to hurl your own hurtful words back or to engage in a heated exchange. Simply let the other person know that you don’t think their comments are reasonable or appropriate.

Another option is to change the subject. A personal attack loses its power if you do not engage with the person who is criticising you. You can do this by walking away or by changing the subject entirely. In this way, you take control of the situation and prevent the critic from continuing with their diatribe.

The inner critic

While criticism from others can be turned on its head, it is self-criticism that can be the most debilitating and difficult to resist. Self-criticism can cripple you, preventing real success in every area of life and robbing you of happiness. It is an unfortunate truth that who you are is defined most clearly by the things you tell yourself about yourself. Therefore, it follows that if your inner critic is unnecessarily harsh, your confidence and self-esteem will be damaged. So how do you deal with this kind of criticism?

You deal with your inner critic in very much the same way as you deal with someone standing in front of you. Again, the first step is to listen very carefully. Becoming aware of your inner critic is essential in dealing with it effectively. You must find out what your inner critic most often says, what are the situations that trigger these criticisms and how you respond.

Once you have an understanding of this inner voice, it’s time to take control. The best way to take control of your thoughts is to be aware of them and to stop them as soon as they surface. You can do this by telling the inner critic to stop, but you can also try shifting your attention to something or someone else. By doing this you are no longer concentrating on your inner critic and it will be silenced.

Alternatively, you can try to reduce the impact of your inner critic by realising that what it is saying is untrue or at least unfair, that it focuses on the worst-case scenario and that it is often illogical. If you can disarm your inner critic in this way, you reduce its power considerably. None of these techniques, though, will be successful without vigilance. You must be constantly on top of your inner critic until habit ensures you have the upper hand.

All in the delivery

While it’s important to be able to turn criticism into a positive and/or learning experience, it’s also important to know how to deliver criticism in such a way that you do not inflict stress and anxiety on the receiver. There will be times at work, at home or in other social situations when you may have to become the critic, so you should be aware of how to voice these criticisms in a way that will do more good than harm.

When delivering criticism it’s better to take the individual aside so as not to embarrass or shame them in front of others. If possible, include the criticisms in a conversational way so as not to set a scene where the other person is immediately set on edge and defensive. Always couch your criticisms in positive terms and begin the conversation with positive statements. Most people react much better to criticism cushioned with an acknowledgment of what they do well and clear instructions or advice on how to do better in the areas of concern. If you are wishy-washy about what you expect or want changed, you will only create anxiety, frustration or anger. Keep your tone of voice calm and your body language open and non-threatening.

In personal relationships it’s important to show as much respect and concern as you would for a colleague, employee or acquaintance. Too often we take our loved ones for granted, but they are just as susceptible to pain and hurt if we criticise without care. In a personal situation, don’t bring up past issues, try to keep calm, choose an appropriate time and place to bring up your concerns and, in the same way as you would care for others, use positivity instead of negativity.

While criticism is a necessary part of life if we are to learn and grow, it can be a powerful weapon used inappropriately. It can also be a poorly used tool if we cannot accept criticism and deal with it constructively. Keep in mind that with time and attention it is possible to allow criticism to make you stronger and more confident.

Five steps to deal with criticism

1. The most important and immediate thing to do when confronted by criticism is to take an emotional step back from the situation. This is a mindfulness technique that takes you out of yourself, your thoughts and feelings and allows you to view a situation more objectively. This is crucial when dealing with criticism as it enables you to hear what is really being said and to view your critic without pain.
2. The next step is to really listen to what is being said to you — not only the words but the intention behind them. Constructive criticism is a vital learning tool and should be embraced as a gift that offers you an opportunity to expand your skills, intellect and approach to life. When you take all criticism as a personal attack you miss out on moments of clarity and growth. Now is the time to ask questions to clarify what is being said and to ask for advice on what you can do to make the situation better.
3. If, however, you perceive the criticism to be personal and unfair, you should keep calm and resist the temptation to return the kind of words and observations that are being levelled at you. Try to figure out where the assault on you has come from, what has triggered it and if you can defuse it. Remember that, sometimes, attacks, however personal their content, may not actually be about you.
4. The next thing to do if the criticism is fair and constructive is to let your critic know if you are going to need any additional help in making the changes that have been suggested. When faced with criticism you must be honest about what you can and cannot easily achieve. If, however, the criticism has been unfair, you should stand up for yourself in a way that disengages the attack: do not respond to the specifics of what has been said, but rather ask your critic to stop speaking to you in such a way, change the subject or walk away, depending on the context of the conversation.
5. In the aftermath of criticism it’s important not to dwell on what has been said. If the criticism has been fair, simply decide what needs to be done and begin the process of making the changes. Approach them with enthusiasm and a positive attitude. If the criticism has been unfair and harsh, you need to maintain your self-confidence by surrounding yourself with people who make you feel happy and safe. It may also be necessary to consider steps you can take to protect yourself from future attacks. This may mean limiting your contact with your critic or using mindfulness to shield yourself from their barbs. The power is yours when you choose to control your response.

Nikki Williamson is a freelance writer with a special interest in health, lifestyle and relationship issues.