Communication – why it’s so hard to be heard – Part 1

Communication is one of those things we all think we are doing correctly.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people tell me they are excellent at communicating with their partner only to see the vast gaps in communication when they are both present.

It’s not their fault entirely either.  We learn how to communicate from our parents and watching their relationship, how they resolved struggles and disagreements, how they handled confrontation and how they asked for their needs.

So when we all grow up there’s no wonder why we all have trouble on all these levels.  We basically need a degree in communication it is that complex!  Communication also is 90% non verbal.  So the actual talking part is only 10% of what makes up how we communicate.  That’s a pretty staggering figure.  The 90% is filled with body language, tone, notation, gestures and energy.

I find myself to be a very clear communicator and considering it’s basically my area of expertise and I’ve studied a lot on it you’d think I was perfect at it too right.  Wrong!  Even when I think I’m being so clear, so precise and so direct, sometimes I am still misinterpreted.

Why is this?

It is because everyone sees things from their own perspective, through their own beliefs, values and also their wounded parts.   Plus just because I think what I am saying is really clear and direct, who says that to the other person that ticks all the boxes for clarity and directness for them also?

We start to run into problems when we don’t ask for clarification when needed.  Asking someone “what did you mean by that” when it sounds like they insulted you just to check if they actually were.  Did you know that if you were to question people what they really meant in 90% of conversations then you would find out that you were wrong about what you thought they were inferring!

That means that 90% of the times we think we are hurt or feel judged it is not happening.  It feels like it is happening as part of our personality is telling us so.  It’s saying in our ear, that person just spoke to you rudely, that means they don’t value you or don’t like you and that you are not a good person, they see that in you.

In that moment when we listen to that voice we discount all the other alternatives.  Like that person is having a bad day, that they had a fight with their partner, that they are stressed at work, that they are a defensive person who is like that with everyone, the list can go on.

When you see communication in this way it takes the frustration out of it.  The next step becomes learning how to master your own communication so it is as clear as possible and so you know what messages you are sending out.   A great barometer for this is see what the difference is between what you put out there and what you get back.

So start looking at the things you ask for and if that is the same as what you get back.  If you ask for support, do you get it?  If you ask for something to stop does it happen?  If you ask for respect and appreciation does it come?  If the answer is no then you need to look further into how you are asking and also your beliefs around whether you are allowed to have it or not.

See part 2 of this blog for how to change your communication and discover underlying beliefs.