How to change your habits

Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. He also said excellence is therefore not an act but a habit. For many people, working out how to change something, especially a bad habit, is one of the most frustrating things they can experience. Many people know what they want to change but don’t have the knowledge needed to implement that change.

Perhaps you can relate. You start a new diet on a Monday and wonder why, as an intelligent, self-motivated, driven person, you can’t seem to keep the cupcake out of your mouth by Wednesday. What’s up with that? Or you wonder why you can’t seem to kick your procrastination habit, your lack of exercise habit, your bad work habit or any other part of your existence that is not serving you well. Sound familiar at all?

Understanding the process of change, why we are the way we are and how to change when we really want to is incredibly important. The ability to drive effective change can give you the keys to the kingdom of your success and happiness. However, if you don’t learn how to use it, it can keep you in the deep dark hole of frustration that can lead to self-defeat and low self-esteem.

The basics

So let’s start with what we typically know: changing behaviours is hard. Change is hard, period.

You get wired to certain patterns of behaviour and your brain gets stuck in a groove that takes concerted, conscious and consistent effort to change. Then, even when you do manage to change for a few days, weeks or months, it’s all too easy to slip back into your old patterns.

The good news is that we know, through the latest neuroscience, that our brains are “plastic”. This means they can create new neural pathways (like brain train tracks), which allow you to create change and form new patterns of behaviour that, over time, can stick. You find a new groove, so to speak, but it takes work.

Sometimes, it takes a lot of work and it takes time. The popular myth that you can quickly and easily change a deeply ingrained habit in 21 days has been largely disproved by brain and behavioural scientists in recent years. They now think that it actually takes anywhere from six to nine months to create the new neural pathways that support changing behaviour. Hmmm, no more of those quick-fix plans. Sorry.

In her fabulous book, This Year I Will … : How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True, MJ Ryan explains that there are three things needed to make any change, whether it is mental, emotional or physical: desire, intent and persistence. Our pop-culture society is filled with women’s magazine covers that say you can meet your dream partner by the weekend, land an amazing job in five days or lose 10 kilos in two weeks. This can leave mere mortals feeling completely inadequate when they fail to do these things, which are completely unrealistic, if not downright impossible, to get done in the first place.

So what does it really take to make a successful, lasting, enduring change? First, it’s important to understand the cycle of change.

The change cycle

Two researchers and authors, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, developed and wrote about their change methodology in The Wheel of Change. Their research has found that people cycle through five specific stages on any change journey.

First is pre-contemplation. This is the stage when you really aren’t aware that you want to change anything: it’s the “Problem? Who has a problem?” stage. It may sound familiar. There is no point trying to force someone in this stage to change something as they really aren’t conscious of it at all.

The second stage is contemplation. This is where you have awareness that a certain behaviour is troublesome and you’re seriously considering making a change. However, you’re still at the stage where the change ahead seems huge and the effort to change is much greater than the pain of staying the same, so it’s not uncommon for nothing to really happen. You know how it goes: your skinny jeans look so good sitting in the corner but you’re really not ready to put the chocolate away just yet, so you bury them under a pile of clothes so you won’t have to look at them. That’s OK — you’re still contemplating; you’re just not ready yet.

The third stage is preparation. This is where you’re really serious about making a change and starting to make plans to take action. You are ready to start.

Action is the next stage — and this is where the work really starts. This stage requires time and energy. Yep, you are going to have to actually work for it. This is when you will change your behaviour to overcome the problem.

Finally, there is the maintenance stage (thank God), which could last from six months to an extended period, where you’re bedding down the changes in behaviour you’ve implemented in the action stage and reinforcing those neural pathways you’ve created along the change timeline.

It’s not uncommon to cycle through the change stages multiple times when changing a behaviour. This is completely normal and still productive, as each time you cycle through you pick up new skills and adaptable behaviours that will support you in making the change stick. Persistence pays off and, if you keep at it, you will be successful. You just have to want it badly enough — more on that in a moment.

So, if you’re in the contemplation or preparation phase of the change cycle, what are the things you need to know and what do you have to focus on to ensure success? Let’s take a look.

Making change happen

In This Year I Will …, MJ Ryan tells us that the top 10 resolution pitfalls look something like this:

• Being vague about what you want
• Not making a serious commitment
• Procrastinating and excuse making
• Being unwilling to go through the awkward phase
• Not setting up a tracking and reminder system
• Expecting perfection; falling into guilt, shame, regret
• Trying to go it alone
• Telling yourself self-limiting rut stories
• Not having backup plans
• Turning slip-ups into give-ups

When you consider that only eight per cent of people actually follow through on their resolutions to a successful outcome, you can see that most people fall into one, or many, of the traps above. The key is to understand enough about the change process, and yourself, to smooth a path to success.

So what are the steps and considerations? Here are some questions to think about, as you begin to create positive change in a lasting way.

Do you really want to change?
There is no point in saying you’re going to stop working so much so you can get some semblance of balance in your life if in reality you really don’t care that much about balance and you really love to work. Who are you doing it for? Don’t kid yourself. You must be serious and care about the change you decide to make so you’re willing to work for it and follow through.

What need is being served by what you are doing now?
Your current behaviour is there for a reason or you wouldn’t be doing it. Hard to swallow, but true. Whether you’re a workaholic, 20 kilos overweight, have anger management issues or are unhappily single, your current situation is serving you somehow. So take some time to think about this. Whether the need is relaxation but the behaviour is binge drinking, or the need is recognition but the behaviour is overwork to prove yourself, you first need to identify what need is being served by your current behaviour. Once you have the answer, you can work out how to meet this need in another way, smoothing the path to change.

How else can you meet your needs?
So, you have identified the current behaviour and how it’s serving you — that’s fantastic. Now think about how else you could meet this same need. You may relate to this example. For some people, eating cupcakes, chocolate or other things that you downright know are not only bad for you but are also proven to leave you feeling tired, grumpy and full of self-loathing is less about the food and more about the nurturing, comfort or distraction it’s providing. How else could you get your need met? Perhaps retreating to your meditation cushion, your yoga mat, the bath tub or even your bed would give you a much greater sense of the nurturing needed without the guilt, the crash in self-esteem for not following through on your intention and, of course, the kilos (bury those skinny jeans a little deeper again). So when you think about the needs you have, how else can they be met?

What’s the price of not changing?
You will experience ambivalence on the change path, no question about it. That’s OK. But to progress down the road, you have to ask yourself, “What is the price of not changing?” If you really want a promotion but are too fearful to ask for the management development training you need, the price is staying in the same role. Is overcoming your fear worth the goal? Or if you really want to get healthy, lose weight and get fit but you don’t want to have to cut the sugar and get out walking, what is the price of that behaviour? Putting on yet another 10 kilos? Think about and write down any negative effects your current behaviours are creating in your life: self‑loathing, boredom, career stagnation, frustration. Once you’ve hit this wall of realisation, you’re in the perfect place to turn around and move forward.

What positive image can pull you forward?
It’s known from research in the fields of positive psychology and neuroscience that you have more success when you’re moving towards something positive than moving away from something negative. It’s also known that positive images pull you forward: think vision boards, athletes visualising their performance success or thinking through the positive outcome of a business presentation before it takes place. It works, and science now proves that it does. So what positive image of the outcome you want can you visualise to pull you towards success? Come up with one, have it firmly in your mind, place it on a wall, in your computer, in your journal or anywhere you will reference it, and look at it frequently. It can be especially helpful when your resolve is slipping to remind you what you’re working so hard for.

Are you acknowledging success?
When you have made progress on your change efforts, it’s really important to acknowledge that achievement. When you celebrate your efforts, you create upward spirals of momentum that help reinforce the positive change and make it stick. Recognising your efforts also helps reinforce the direction in which you’re moving and motivates you further towards your goals. Recognising, acknowledging and celebrating your progress, however small, are keys to success on your change path.

Change can be challenging. Anyone who’s tried to change a habit knows this is true, but it is possible. You can smooth the path to success by being aware of the cycle of change, being prepared, and being consistent. The result is worth the effort, if you want it badly enough to work for it.

Megan Dalla-Camina is a strategist, coach, speaker and author. You can connect with her at megandallacamina.com. Her book, Getting Real About Having it All, is published by Hay House.