Tammy has a Virgo rising and Gemini Sun, making her a fun conversationalist who loves to discuss and analyse everything. Chris was a man of few words, which drove Tammy, who lived a few cities away, nuts. Chris rarely called, which was almost unbearable for Tammy, who thrived on feedback and found it hard to know where she stood with him.

When Tammy wanted to talk about their relationship, Chris got tongue-tied. It’s not that Chris didn’t share or care. He told Tammy he loved her (and she gave his plainspoken words monumental importance because he said so few of them). However, Chris was sometimes intimidated by Tammy’s easy ability to speak her mind. At times her wit and quick comebacks made him feel dumb and slow. He covered up this insecurity by shutting down.

Do you think Tammy and Chris’ relationship will make it? If they don’t work on their communication issues it may not.

You’ve no doubt faced communication difficulties at various times in relationships, but not all of them are serious enough to question the entire relationship. In passing, these missed cues and misfires are often termed a “misunderstanding”, many of which you move through quickly and relatively painlessly or at least without damage to the relationship.

But what if you experience ongoing misunderstandings, missed signals, disconnects and misconnects? What if most attempts to connect trigger frustration and confusion in one or both partners? A therapist might suggest that, as a couple, you work on your communication skills. An astrologer would ask Chris and Tammy for their birth times and then examine their respective planet(s) of communication — Mercury.

Mercury

Mercury is the planet of mind, speech and self-expression. When you talk, write, learn, teach, communicate, gather facts and make connections based on data, you are under the employ of the archetype of Mercury. But Mercury is versatile — like his shape-shifting namesake, the scientific element Mercury — and the minute his realm of influence is defined, he changes into something else. Mercury also symbolises synchronicity and coincidence, travel, craftiness, experimentation, inventiveness and flexibility. To better understand Mercury, let’s look at myth.

In passing, these missed cues and misfires are often termed a “misunderstanding”, many of which you move through quickly and relatively painlessly or at least without damage to the relationship.

In Roman myth, Mercury is the messenger. To the Greeks, he was known as Hermes. Hermes was born in a cave in Mt Cyllene, Arcadia, a region of Ancient Greece. Hermes immediately grew restless and bored, and when only one day old set off to find something to do without knowing where he was going or what he would find. Restless and clever, he soon started getting into adventures. Hermes invented a lyre out of a turtle shell and eventually impressed the Gods so much they solicited his services to help them get out of any Olympian-level jams they got into. When a higher up wanted their tracks covered or a message delivered to the underworld, Hermes could lie, cheat or steal to make it happen.

Mercury/Hermes was everyone’s friend, especially travellers and merchants who appreciated his smooth street-smarts and surefooted ability to cover a lot of ground in record time. Mercury/Hermes could bend the truth to his advantage and tongue-tie others with clever, winning arguments (even if the argument was wrong), which also made him a trickster and a thief. Communication is tricky.

 

Maybe you know a Mercury type; someone who is clever, witty, intelligent, street-smart and has an easy, breezy way with words. Not everyone is born under a strong Mercury archetype (with Mercury, or to some degree Gemini/Virgo, prominent in your horoscope). However, you do have Mercury somewhere in your horoscope. Whether he plays a large or small role, you need his ongoing help to speak your mind, use your voice and effectively express yourself.

Self-expression and the elements

How do you express yourself? Boldly or quietly? Imaginatively or intuitively? Are you awkward or relatively confident? Your natal Mercury has the answers. In your natal or birth chart, Mercury resides in a zodiac sign and house, and makes aspects to other planets. While a full picture of your Mercury is beyond the scope of this article, a character sketch of each of Mercury’s four elements will help you begin to understand his influence. Let’s consider how your Mercury operates.

Mercury in a fire sign — Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Sometimes brash and overconfident, often assertive and outspoken, fire-sign Mercury expresses with enthusiasm and panache. Barring modifying factors, fire-sign Mercury is impulsive, colourful and an adventurous thinker, but not always practical.

Mercury in an earth sign — Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

Practical, analytical, methodical and deliberate, earth-sign Mercury is wedded to the reality principle. It expresses thoughtfully and with consideration for the facts. Earth Mercury is stable-minded and not easily wavered by emotion or passion.

Mercury in an air sign — Gemini, Libra, Aquarius

Fluid, experimental, open-minded and sometimes scattered — like air blowing across a desert — air-sign Mercury expresses itself by covering a lot of ground. Barring other factors, this chatty Mercury is happy conversing with others on a wide variety of subjects.

Mercury in a water sign — Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces

Investigative, perceptive, chameleon-like and sensitive, water Mercury expresses itself poetically and intuitively and in realms where what is unsaid is as important as what is said. Water Mercury is feeling-oriented, making objectivity difficult.

Mercury, Venus and Relationships

Mercury is the master of how effective you are at expressing yourself, where you like to experiment, how you regard learning, where your attention is, the way you think and much more. Mercury also describes how successful you are at intimate dialogue — a dimension of life where two people’s communication styles can flow like the melody of a trickling river stream or get stuck on one note.

As the closest planet to the Sun, Mercury is the intermediary between your ego (Sun) and the universe, ie your world. Mercury closely orbits the Sun, which makes it easy for you to (sometimes incorrectly) identify your ego self with your words, such as those times you buy into what you think without question. “This is who I am because this is what I think” is a common Mercury assumption. However, when you focus the Sun’s willpower and Mercury’s attention, you are capable of creating your destiny with your mind and its thoughts.

When you talk, write, learn, teach, communicate, gather facts and make connections based on data, you are under the employ of the archetype of Mercury.

Mercury hangs out next to Venus, the planet of love and relationships.  Besides being tight neighbours, these two have lots in common: the symbol of Mercury is the same as Venus’ symbol, but with a set of antenna on top, like a radio tower. As you pick up signals from the ethers, and from each other, Venus, the planet of relationship connection, cleverly concealed within Mercury, makes sure you are more than just talking heads. Your ability to empathise, pick up patterns, read feedback, notice subtle social signals and choose words for the intended audience are Venus’ gifts. They help you communicate effectively.

The principles of communication and relationships are indeed intertwined. Likewise, how you express yourself through your voice, language and self-expression plays a huge role in your ability to connect. How you express/assert yourself is unique. Like Tammy and Chris, you may be more (Tammy) or less (Chris) comfortable in Mercury’s realms.

For Tammy, whose Gemini Sun and Virgo rising are both ruled by Mercury, communication, self-expression and language are essential to the way she meets the world and her sense of identity. Tammy thrives on verbal and mental stimulation.

Chris, a Pisces Sun sign, relies on intuition rather than mental stimulation. He has Mercury in Aquarius, retrograde, in the sixth house of skill-building. Mercury retrograde gives the mind an inward bend, as thought processes go against the mainstream. This quality of introversion gives rise to imaginative thinkers; however, a retrograde motion can make a naturally forthright planet such as Mercury reticent. The sixth house adds another layer: a planet here needs extra help.

At this point, you may wonder whether the star-struck couple should call it a day. There’s another piece to add to help clarify whether these two will make beautiful music together: the Mercury aspects they share.

Mercury compatibility

In relationship astrology, planets also have relationships. My Mercury may link up with some of your planets, say Saturn, Venus and Moon, or none at all. The number of links between two people’s planets varies. In relationship astrology, there’s one golden rule: the greater the number of your planets that link to someone else’s, the greater the chances for the relationship. Apply this to Mercury and you can understand that while the style in which you each communicate is important, relationship-wise it’s less important than the fact that connections are formed. It’s the inter-aspects between planets that reveal the nature of your connection. They may be flowing or tense.

When Mercury makes an aspect to another planet by trine, sextile or sometimes conjunction (60, 120 and 0 degrees respectively) this is a flowing aspect. Communication is generally a joy, supportive and helpful. A square, opposition and sometimes conjunction* (90-, 180- or 0-degree aspect) between your Mercury and a partner’s planet (or vice versa) can make communication a challenge, but not impossible. A tense aspect is harder than a flowing aspect, but even a flowing aspect can get you into hot water when words flow so easily that distractions or chatter are created.

Frankly, it’s great to have a connection of any nature. If your Mercury does not connect with any of my planets, it means we probably won’t strike up a conversation.

* Note: a conjunction is either challenging or flowing depending on the planet(s) and your relationship to it. If you share a conjunction, choose which scenario fits best — and there may be elements of both.

 

Here’s a guide to what happens when different planets aspect Mercury.

Sun–Mercury

Flowing aspects: There’s a basic harmony between the Sun person’s identity and Mercury’s expressive style and interests. Even if their ideas aren’t the same, these two understand each other.
Tense aspects: To Mercury, the Sun person can be closed-minded and over-powering, of which the Sun person should be mindful. The Mercury person needs to choose words wisely so they don’t dominate with chatter.

Moon–Mercury
Flowing aspects: Delightful and engaging, the Mercury person provides hours of entertainment for the Moon, while the Moon person makes Mercury feel safe and comfortable enough to let it all hang out and get loony.
Tense aspects: The Moon’s feeling nature is pricked and irritated by Mercury’s restless mind and ideas, while Mercury finds the Moon’s feeling orientation provincial. Speaking and listening from the heart cuts through the noise.

Mercury–Mercury

Flowing aspects: Interesting and interested, shared interests, ideas and conversation create a great Mercury–Mercury connection. Sometimes mental stimulation happens so easily there’s a danger of turning into talking heads. Tense aspects: You come from two different perspectives. Positively, you can open each other’s minds. But to learn from each other you must first work on listening with your heart.

Venus–Mercury

Flowing aspects: An articulate and encouraging pairing, the Mercury person helps the Venus person vocalise relationship needs and desires, while Venus enhances, through artistry, empathy and tenderness, Mercury’s ability to express.

Tense aspects: Mercury’s communication style can make it hard for Venus to feel romantically connected and valued. Venus can help this by speaking up and articulating her desires.

Mars–Mercury

Flowing aspects: A lively pair. The Mars person brings passion, a can-do attitude and enthusiasm to Mercury’s great ideas, while Mercury’s reasoning facilitates the Mars person’s goals.
Tense aspects: The partners who share connection between these quick-natured planets need to recognise their capacity for volatility. Both partners need to stay away from extreme language and curb their enthusiasm for sparring.

Jupiter–Mercury
Flowing aspects: An optimistic and fun-loving pair, the Jupiter person expands Mercury’s ideas about what’s possible, while the Mercury person finds ways to implement Jupiter’s schemes and make sweeter the road travelled together.

Tense aspects: The Mercury person can find Jupiter’s opinions and sermons on life overbearing, while Jupiter thinks Mercury is too scattered or critical. Both are helped by humility and by diversifying their perspectives.

Saturn–Mercury

Flowing aspects: The Saturn person offers practical realism to Mercury’s thoughts and ideas, while the Mercury person helps Saturn find solutions to problems that at first glance seem unsolvable or insurmountable.

Tense aspects: Mercury doesn’t like Saturn’s insistence on reliable, responsible communication, while Saturn finds Mercury’s communication style lacking in maturity. Mercury could work on consistency and Saturn could lighten up on minor discrepancies.

 

Uranus-Mercury
Flowing aspects: An off-the-wall and creatively exciting pair, the Uranus person encourages Mercury’s experimental side, while the Mercury person goads Uranus’ creativity and genius to even greater heights.
Tense aspects: Communication can be anything from abrupt to offensive when either partner fires off a shoot-from-the-hip response. Both can work on hearing the other person out before responding.

Neptune–Mercury
Flowing aspects: This is a couple who can communicate without saying a word; the Neptune person offers acceptance and the meditative sound of silence to Mercury, while the Mercury person takes Neptune’s creative and spiritual pursuits to new levels.
Tense aspects: Confusion abounds when these two start a conversation, only to have it go in circles. Mercury insists on reliable communication, which Neptune could take or leave. Neptune could work on being fully present.

Pluto-Mercury
Flowing aspects: The Mercury partner brings curiosity and interest to Pluto’s investigative orientation; when Mercury decides to look at the deeper, psychological, taboo subjects of their relationship, Pluto brings penetrating, truthful insight.
Tense aspects: Painful subject matters bring out defensiveness in both partners. If the Mercury person triggers a wound in casual conversation, Pluto can help by being compassionate and resisting the urge to shut down or play psychologist.

The Talking Stick

What can you do if you and your partner have communication problems? Mercury can tongue-tie a partner with dexterity and verbal agility. Our girl, Tammy, has clear Mercury talents, which may have made it harder for Chris to speak up and be heard. There are other ways Mercury people can one-up others: they may talk your head off until you get tired of listening or throw in the towel or, like a good lawyer, they may be able to win arguments even when that argument is wrong.

Tammy’s Mercury (in Gemini) is square Chris’ Mars (in Pisces). To prove a point, Tammy could do all of the above, inciting retreat or passive aggression from Chris. To stay together they’ll have to work, and keep working, on these trouble spots; the conflict of an inter-aspect square never goes away, but self-awareness and new solutions will create forward motion. Meanwhile, their respective Mercury(s) are trine, an aspect of easy, flowing communication. No chart aspect exists in isolation and this trine helps Tammy and Chris to make lemonade out of lemons.

There’s an essential, human lesson at play in every communication difficulty. At a basic level, what differentiates good communicators from so-so communicators is not intelligence, wit, cunning or a facility with words; it’s knowing how to listen and how to speak. You probably think you learned this in primary school, but maybe you didn’t. If you’re in a relationship, a brush-up never hurts.

Finally, Native Americans have a wonderful tradition that communication experts now use. They would pass around a talking stick to tribe members and those with the stick talk while others listen. Though the talking stick exercise helps resolve deep communication rifts, in everyday life you can simply remember to honour whoever holds the symbolic talking stick by honouring their voice with your complete attention, and when it’s your turn to speak ask for the same of them.

Guidelines for listening

• Hold a responsive posture; stay relaxed and centred in your breath and belly.
• Listen with the intention of understanding, not giving advice or jumping in.
• Check your motivation before you say something. Feeling eager to cheer someone up, appease or advise is a sign to pull back, breathe and wait for neutral intent to arise.
• Show you are listening by giving simple feedback such as, “Wow, that must’ve been hard.”
• If you need to end the conversation, you can say, “I don’t want to be rude, but I have an errand to run.”

Guidelines for speaking

• Breathe, drop into your belly so your words can arise from an inner stillness.
• Share your personal experiences — that’s how true connection happens.
• Avoid excess detail and get to the heart of the message. Excess detail can obscure your message or bore your partner.
• Notice the other person’s response. Do they look engaged? If not, check in with, “Am I rambling?”
• Know when to end the conversation. Even if it feels good to talk, don’t hang on.

From Charlotte Kasl’s, If The Buddha Married.