Statistics show that many people are leaving each other in their later years now, after the children have grown and gone, when this used to be the time when they were enjoying the fruits of their labour and growing old in a relationship together. Could this be because we are living longer? Or because we come to a stage where we are unfulfilled or bored?
Whatever the reasons, in the process of change there are things we need to do when our partnerships are not progressing well, and if these things are not done it becomes so much harder for the relationship to succeed.
Quite often when I get couples coming to see me in the hope of achieving some reconciliation in their relationship, they bring a lot of baggage with them which they are not always prepared to let go. If you dredge up things that happened in the relationship years ago, without forgiving and moving on from past issues, then the prospect of healing the relationship becomes difficult.
This work is not just about giving lip service to forgiveness: it is actually remembering that you have forgiven, then moving on from the past hurt and guilt, whichever applies. If any one party holds on to the resentment, the healing cannot happen. There often needs a process with a trained therapist for that to occur, because the people involved in the relationship do not have the tools to overcome their issues.
Healing from past hurts and guilt is not a question so much of blame or guilt, it’s more about looking at what the other person needs in the relationship and what does and does not work for them. Both parties must be willing to change what does not work for the other person and come to a place of mutual understanding. This becomes an ongoing process in the relationship and, even though it may not be easy at first and need conscious ongoing effort, it does become easier as time goes on and it develops into a habit.
There must also be some agreement in the relationship from that time forth about mutual respect for each other’s feelings and boundaries and to have an honest relationship. This needs to be a commitment from both sides for it to work and becomes an ongoing process in your relationship. Some of the things that need to be said may in a sense be hurtful but it is better to clear the air than sweep it aside for it to fester again at another time.
It is at that point that it becomes more than just about ‘fixing’ the relationship; it is about these two particular people being able to lead a fulfilling life with each other. So it is not so much about fixing what goes wrong in a relationship, it’s more about listening to your own deepest needs and being able to communicate that to another person and, from that core, to build a foundation for a relationship that satisfies both partners.
