Raising self-esteem

Narcissism is possibly present in us all to some degree. Think about it; isn’t there at least one area of life in which you consider yourself to be superior to others? Maybe you think no-one really knows how to make an omelette the way you do? Possibly you think your taste in films is far superior to that of the “masses”? Or it might be that you think every other driver on the road is a self-obsessed, incompetent moron whereas you are a mindful, considerate and skilled operator of your vehicle? These might all be charming little manifestations of quasi-narcissism that we can smile at quietly but full blown narcissism is actually a destructive force and according to a new study the genesis of narcissism in some cases may lie in overzealous parents.

By definition “narcissistic personality disorder” is when people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. You can imagine how a genuine narcissist will have problems in relationships and the workplace when they are not given the special favours or admiration they believe they deserve. Naturally, others won’t enjoy being around a narcissist and they can become lonely because behind their ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism. The difference between self-esteem and narcissism is that high self-esteem leads people to believe they are as good as others while narcissism results in a belief of superiority to others. In this new study the researchers wanted to identify whether children had high self-esteem or were narcissistic and then identify if parenting styles influenced the outcome.

To study this the researchers gathered 565 children aged between 7 and 11. Then on four occasions over a six month period the children and parents completed standardised psychological surveys. The parents were asked for example, how much they agreed with statements like, “My child is a great example for other children to follow.”

Both children and parents were asked about how much warmth parents displayed though questions such as, “I let my child know I love him/her” and “My father/mother lets me know he/she loves me”.

The results showed that children with high self-esteem were happy with themselves and liked who they were but did not see themselves as more special than others. By contrast children who were described by their parents as more special than other children and deserving something extra in life scored higher on narcissism.

According to the researchers children believe it when their parents tell them that they are more special than others and parental over-evaluation of children was directly related to narcissism but did not breed self-esteem. However, parents who showed more emotional warmth did have children with higher self-esteem. Parental warmth though did not relate to narcissism.

As a parent it is incredibly tempting to build up your child but in terms of long term psychological wellbeing some reality is more valuable provided it is given in the context of warmth and love.