Do you often feel that, to put it bluntly, you suck? Welcome to the club. At the same time, our common struggle with self-worth can mean we’re liable to brush aside the problem. Low self-esteem has become such a commonplace descriptor of feeling bad that maybe we’ve started to tune it out, minimise or even dismiss it, says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW and a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience.

Research shows poor self-worth is closely associated with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, this link has also led to it being accepted as an insidious part of that package, Shaw says. Pop psychology has contributed to us trivialising the problem with quick-fix Band-Aid ideas that don’t adequately address the issue. We should take self-esteem more seriously of itself, and cherish and foster it — in ourselves and others. Because frequently, it’s at the heart of our problems.

Essential to well-being and society

Healthy self-esteem (liking yourself) is vital to positive mental health. As Shaw says, “It’s critical for keeping oneself going and feeling of value in the world and in our relationships; some sense of meaning and purpose as to why we exist.” Self-esteem is also core to helping you take on new challenges crucial to your survival and resilience. “You need a bit of self-esteem to help you survive better, to take action, improve your life and in fact, to even participate well in relationships,” she says. “It’s really important, not just for mental health, but for leading a purposeful life.”

According to the “sociometer” theory, self-esteem serves an evolutionary function, helping drive us to contribute and be part of social groups. It’s thought the negative feelings that accompany a low self-evaluation act as an emotional gauge of our interpersonal relationships.

While low self-worth is typically viewed as an individual problem, it’s at the core of many social problems. According to Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and one of the leading authorities on the subject, the healthier your self-esteem, the more inclined you are to treat others well (since they don’t threaten you) and shine your light to the world.

A better understanding of self-esteem

Despite all of the articles about self-esteem, there are a lot of misconceptions. Some people equate high self-regard with boasting and narcissism, but both are actually a sign of insecurity. According to psychologist and founder of client-centred therapy Carl Rogers, self-esteem overlaps and interacts with different aspects of our overarching self-concept. It’s not self-image (how we see ourselves) or self-care (doing stuff that makes us happier). Neither is it self-confidence. As Shaw says, “You can have confidence and competence in a whole range of areas and still have poor self-esteem.” Confidence and competence tend to be building blocks for positive self-esteem, but it’s also the case that self-esteem can be divorced from that, she says. For some of us, knowing we’re good at stuff or well-loved, for instance, isn’t sufficient for us to feel good about ourselves. That’s because so many things can influence your opinion of yourself.

Self-esteem is most strongly aligned to your sense of self-worth, Shaw explains. “It’s about whether you feel you have value.” Branden likens it to an immune system for the mind. You can’t have too much of it. It’s also not a static thing. We can all experience different levels of low self-esteem at different times and situations across the lifespan, Shaw says. For some, it’s a temporary state and for others a pervasive one or even a lifelong struggle.

Toxic self-esteem holds you back

When you are struggling to feel good about yourself, you tend to feel held back, weighed down or trapped. You can’t be happy with low self-esteem. Low self-worth feels bad. The psychological and emotional toll may include loneliness, depression and even suicidal feelings. When psychologist Morris Rosenberg compiled a collective portrait of adolescents suffering low self-esteem in Extending Self-Esteem Theory and Research, he found they commonly felt unhappy, threatened, wary, weary, withdrawn, nervous, on-edge, self-conscious, pessimistic, angry, hypervigilant and hypersensitive. They were also typically disorganised and restrained — the wounded self is understandably focused on protecting itself rather than expansion. “In contrast, when our self-esteem rises, we report feeling happy, secure, affectionate, energetic, alert, clear-minded, purposeful, unrestrained and spontaneous. Healthy self-worth boosts your mood and energy and gets you going. It inspires your behaviour and action and helps you live better,” Branden writes. It’s also a self-fulfilling cycle. “Either path [low or high self-esteem] tends to be self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating,” he writes.

Check your selfometer

While self-esteem fluctuates, and many things affect it, according to Rosenberg’s findings it is relatively stable in most people over time. Self-negativity can be subtle or devastating. For most of us our self-evaluation is neither extremely low or high.

Key signs of a deflated self-worth, Shaw says, include self-deprecation, writing off our ability to accomplish things, avoiding risk and feeling deflated or stuck due to believing we’re unable to mobilise change. Negative self-talk is another give-away.

A negative self-opinion can be at the root of many unhelpful behaviours and thoughts, like fear of failure, underachieving, beating ourselves up over little things, shame, self-neglect, unnecessary apologising, constant reassurance seeking, perfectionism, difficulty saying no, lack of assertiveness, self-sabotage, social phobia, inability to accept compliments, overthinking what others say and indecision. Your self-dislike also lashes out at others as jealousy, criticism, put-downs, bullying and aggression. It can be an underlying factor in eating disorders, substance abuse and self-destructive habits. How did we get like this in the first place?

How society diminishes your sense of worth

No one is born disliking themselves. Your view of yourself develops through interaction with society over time. Parents are the primary shapers. “For some people their family of origin experiences can set them up to feel poorly about themselves,” Shaw says. If you’ve suffered abuse, abandonment, rejection, trauma or neglect, research suggests you’re at greater risk of negative feelings about your core worth. Even just feeling undervalidated can reduce your sense of worth.

Another big risk factor is experiencing an abusive intimate relationship focused on diminishing you as a person, Shaw says. “Unfortunately, you can quite easily dismantle someone else’s self-esteem.” Any negative life experiences, including retrenchment, an unfaithful partner and illness — especially cumulative ones — can rock your self-opinion, no matter how robust. “It doesn’t mean you lose your self-esteem,” Shaw clarifies. “But with different events you can be challenged.”

Our competitive capitalist society and its shallow values don’t help. Racism, sexism, unemployment and toxic elements of corporate culture, social media and the schoolyard can be damaging to self-esteem. Personal development coach and author of Life Beyond Limits, Rik Schnabel, points out that many of the metaphors used in corporate culture, like getting “blown up” or “taken out”, derive from war. “It’s a primitive position of survival of the fittest,” he says. “When people are insecure, it’s a bit like a fearful dog that’s going to bite you. People are the same.”

Studies show self-esteem runs in families: it’s thought to have a genetic basis. Alternatively, self-esteem-enhancing behaviours like self-discipline and praise might be modelled within families. Disadvantage, as well as attributes that gain us better acceptance within society, is also usually inherited. Research suggests self-esteem is influenced by your social status: people with characteristics prized by our culture, such as wealth, beauty, skill at sport or an extroverted personality, tend to feel better about themselves.

Most likely a reflection of inequality, if you are female you are more susceptible to low self-esteem, according to a large cross-cultural study of 985,937 people across 48 nations. Both genders experience higher self-worth in childhood, a drop in adolescence and a gradual rise through adulthood. This decreases again in old age.

At the same time, Shaw emphasises that none of the above necessarily causes self-esteem problems. “They’re risk factors.” Some people emerge from negative families and experiences with a strong sense of self-worth.

Mitigating factors

Society gets the blame for everything. While it’s tempting to retreat when your self-perception is wounded, you are better to engage with the world: it’s also your salvation. Many classic fairy tales, like The Ugly Duckling and Beauty and the Beast, offer metaphors for how others can distort but also powerfully correct the lens of your self-view. Many tales illustrate how discovering a role in society helps you find yourself.

In her memoir, He Should Have Left Me, Shonda McCray tells how the unconditional love of her husband helped her recover from self-hatred caused by childhood abuse. Shaw gives the example of a child who discovers through the praise of a teacher that they’re really good at English. “For most kids, if they have just one thing where they stand out, it can be a platform to build on,” she says. “There’s many variables that can make this turn out better.” While your story is still going on, this is not the end!

Recovery from wounded worth

Esha Oberoi once struggled with such low self-esteem that she withdrew from society. As a migrant to Australia from India at age seven, Oberoi, now 38 and an award-winning entrepreneur and mental health advocate, struggled with speaking English at school and experienced bullying and loneliness. She dropped out in year 11. “I ended up being unemployed and not doing anything for many years afterwards,” she confides. “I was in and out of dysfunctional, abusive relationships, and a hermit at home for a number of years.” Becoming a carer in a nursing home — the only job she could get — gave her a sense of meaning and self-worth. Oberoi went on to build a $10 million business, Afea Care Services.

Life coach and businesswoman Caroline Bellenger, recent winner of the Gold Coast Women of the Year Wellness Warrior and the National Roar Award Best Advocate for Mental Health, never felt good enough. Despite being a popular, straight-A student, she compared herself unfavourably with her siblings. Her sense of inferiority made her susceptible to sexual abuse by a relative. The reaction of those she confided in — no one did anything — re-wounded her self-worth, causing self-hatred, guilt and shame that led to self-destructive behaviours including drinking, bad relationships and self-harm. “The whole experience teaches you to be silent and not feel good about yourself,” she reflects. However, quitting alcohol, running and goal-setting helped Bellenger, now 52, build her self-esteem. “Getting sober was the best thing,” she says. “The more you drink, the less you like yourself.
I can sit here today and say I love myself.”

Building higher self-esteem

Seize hope
“If you’re feeling stuck or have struggled with low self-esteem for a long time, first and foremost engage with the notion that change is possible,” Shaw says. As many have shown, self-esteem can be improved. Rather than talk yourself into accepting an unhappy life, consider the alternatives, however small, and foster hope.

Engage help
“Get support from a professional to help you take the steps that don’t feel possible,” Shaw says. A therapist can also act as a champion of your self-esteem, help you identify and conquer the cause of problems and cultivate useful practices.

Heal the past
Schnabel healed from low self-esteem and is critical of simplistic approaches to the problem. “When something’s deep and emotional, positive affirmations aren’t enough to change an underlying feeling of not being good enough,” he says. He believes that low worth usually requires counselling to address the cause. “It’s not what you think, it’s really how you feel,” he says. The goal is trying to retrace where you got this belief from and shift your perspective on it, he explains. For example, Schnabel used to get bullied at school but now views those people as the source of his skill as a speaker and trainer. “They were teaching me to think fast on my feet,” he says. What also helps is understanding the underlying reason behind your attackers’ behaviour, such as their own low self-worth. The point is not to condone it, but to realise it was never your fault.

Take responsibility
A less acknowledged factor in our self-regard, Branden says, is our own role in undermining it, through unhelpful beliefs, ideas and behaviours. It’s possible to wound your own self-esteem and his book is peppered with examples of ways we commonly sabotage ourselves. It’s up to you to build a life you can be proud of, one action at a time. For Bellenger, it was a small step in taking responsibility for her life — respecting the health of her own body — that led to change.

Forgive yourself and learn from mistakes
A key spiritual mandate, forgiveness should be directed at yourself as well as others. It’s accepting your own imperfection, starting again and leaving mistakes where they belong: in the past. One way to help the process is to think of it as a learning experience.

Build a solid foundation
Many of us use social media platforms and gifts (like nice clothes) to try to give our self-esteem a quick boost. But the best foundation for strong self-regard is something more rock solid: a good life. Branden’s “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” include living a purposeful life, cultivating personal integrity and self-acceptance, conscious awareness of our thoughts, relationships and behaviours, and self-affirming practices like self-assertiveness.

Prioritise supportive relationships
Positive relationships boost self-esteem, according to a 2019 review article of 47,000 participants across multiple countries “Surround yourself with people who are in your corner, know the best about you and encourage your bravery,” Shaw advises. Think quality relationships over quantity. Also, minimise relationships that make you feel less worthy. “It’s not that we should depend on others to cheer us on all the time, but a certain amount of validation in the eyes of others is part of what we unconsciously rely on to keep ourselves going.” Conversely, avoid being over-reliant on social cred. This can have the opposite effect, making you vulnerable to whatever others think of you. What you want to aim for is an overall sense that you matter and have value in the eyes of others.

Cultivating a relationship with a higher power also works. A study, Love Thy Self? How Belief in a Supportive God Shapes Self-Esteem, shows belief in a benevolent God is associated with higher self-worth.

Master something
Becoming good at something can significantly boost your self-worth. After Bellenger decided to devote as much time and effort into achieving goals as she’d previously put into self-destructive habits she obtained an honours degree, climbed to Everest Base Camp, became a surf lifesaver and represented Australia in triathlon. “Every time I reached a little goal I felt good about myself,” she recalls.

Supporting the idea of mastering skills, a 2020 study found having work values in adolescence is associated with better self-esteem in adulthood. Shaw says, “Embarking on new activities and testing ourselves against new challenges are part of how we feel strong and confident in the world. It’s about getting out of our comfort zone. Even the smallest micro-wins count.”

Adopt a spiritual and mindful lifestyle
Living consciously helps you take charge of your own life and avoid being a victim of negative social messages. In Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty, a previous monk, suggests that timeless spiritual philosophies and practices are key to a happy inner state, including self-value. The monk mindset — focused on discipline, self-care for service, focus, meaning, collaboration, compassion and other positive goals and behaviours — bears greater peace with self in the long haul.

Mindfulness meditation has been essential to Oberoi restoring her self-esteem. “When I’m meditating it really allows the frantic, excessive and extreme thinking to stop,” she says. “When I’m in a state of peace, it’s hard to be nasty to myself.”

Self-compassion
A lot of us bash ourselves up with negative self-talk. We criticise, berate, accuse, condemn and judge ourselves in ways we’d never conceive of if addressing another person. In turn, such ideas create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Self-compassion is no different to the kindness, respect and concern we show to others — except that it’s directed at yourself.

Oberoi says self-compassion is one of her most effective strategies. Part of her mindfulness practice is to bring awareness and scrutiny into what she’s thinking and feeling and challenge any automatic negative thoughts. “It’s bringing in nurturing, non-judgemental, kind and compassionate language,” she says. A test of her self-attitude is asking herself if she would talk to her own children in the same way.

Avoid self-abusive thought patterns, like comparing yourself to others and unrealistically high standards.

Honour your uniqueness
Mindfulness also helps you better tap into your own uniqueness and personal path. “When we tune out the opinions, expectations, and obligations of the world around us, we begin to hear ourselves,” Shetty writes. “The more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us, the more lost we are.”

Reappraise your strengths and achievements and do what you enjoy. Trying to win self-esteem by conforming to some social ideal seldom works.

Return to what worked
Shaw recommends thinking back to a time when you had better self-esteem. “Really listen to that as a tip,” she suggests. “What you were doing at that time that made you feel stronger, and you can revisit some of those old strengths — whether it’s ‘I used to see different people,’ or ‘I used to be in a singing group, and that made me feel better.’”

Your end goal should not be boosting your self-esteem or trying to win approval but leading a better life. From planting wisely, your sense of worth will surely blossom.

References are available on request.