Music of the heart

My story began when I was eight years old. I’d just heard a visitor to my school play the flute and I thought it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I was enchanted by it. I knew I wanted to play and I began lessons later that year. I progressed quickly and the flute and I were a perfect fit. Playing felt natural to me and by the time I was 12 I had achieved the highest grade, which was grade eight.

Eventually I went on to study classical music at university and that’s when the pressure began. Excessive practice routines were encouraged by my teacher and I became caught up in the competitive environment. I was taught to be super critical of my playing in a never-ending effort to be perfect. I found it difficult to switch off and relax — I felt like I should always be practising and I became wound up like a corkscrew.

I believed I was happy because I was always busy but in reality I was miserable and tired. By the time I was in my final year at university I had severe pain in my arms, neck and shoulders from all the hours of practising, stress and tension. I could no longer play my flute and had to leave university mid-semester. I felt crushed — my life had come crumbling to the ground.

The thing about identifying yourself with something so completely is that, if you lose it, you lose your sense of self. Who was I now?

I was constantly on pain medication and at my worst point it was too difficult to wash my own hair or tie my shoelaces and I remember even pressing the button at the traffic lights to cross the road was painful. I resigned myself to never playing my flute again and I found that extremely difficult to accept on an emotional level.

After two years I returned to university, still unable to play, and completed the final year of my degree studying history of music — a purely academic route. I remember walking past the practice rooms and hearing students play their instruments as I had done, knowing that I could no longer play.

My heart ached to play again but I was having so much trouble performing basic day-to-day tasks that it got put to one side and I just wanted to feel well again. I feel now with hindsight that even by its absence music was still graciously guiding me with the message: “Angela, you need to feel balanced and well and happy, and not stressed-out like this. This is not the way for you.”

I became interested in meditation and relaxation and I began to enjoy simple things like going for walks and reading good books. I started to keep a journal and became more aware of my feelings and inner self. I became aware of a connection to something much bigger than myself and it felt easy to pray. Eventually, being happy and inspired became more important than being perfect and it changed the entire path I had been on.

After 11 years without playing my flute, I finally felt well enough to try playing again. I started off playing for one minute a day, gradually increasing it to two minutes, then three minutes and so on. It was pure joy! I now played just for the love of it and something amazing started to happen.

I had become more sensitive and open from my experience and I started to write my own music — music that seemed to be coming straight from my heart. I would write down a melody I had composed on my flute and from that I could hear all the other instrumental parts in my head, such as piano and strings. It was a very intuitive process. Something had opened up in me and I had never experienced anything like this before.

I quickly realised I needed more than the pencil and paper I was using to capture all my ideas, as the melodies were coming to me thick and fast!

This led to another turning point: entering the world of modern-day composition and music making. I bought a computer, music software and recording equipment and began the long process of learning how to use them. By this time I’d been a full-time mum for years and I didn’t know anything about computers. Also, I’m a natural creative at heart and I found this very challenging. I remember sometimes crying with frustration from trying to work it out but I persevered.

The result is my debut album of relaxation music, which I’ve named Heart. It’s been quite a journey and it’s now my passion to share my music and my story, and to help other people.

Studies have shown that relaxing music has many benefits for our health and I believe music can be a way through which we can access our own feelings of peace and wellness.

I have gone from my university days of playing music almost as a technical exercise to creating music as a way of connecting with others from a heartfelt space. My music is born of a new life, far removed from the old, and I’m often reminded of the nine-year-old girl, enchanted by the sound of the flute, and loving music.

To order the album or to find out more about Angela, visit www.angelaharnett.com.