Most of us feel as if we have one, single identity but we’re actually made up of lots of different parts. Some of these parts are so clear it’s as if we have several separate personalities inside us. So who are these other “characters” and how did they get there?
As we grow up, we’re all faced with a multitude of tasks to master and challenges to overcome. Our inner characters develop as we deal with these issues and progress through life’s stages. They are there to help us survive. Some of the characters may have developed early on and may seem young. Others come later and may seem older. Each one has particular tasks they may be good at but they may also have limitations that can hold us back in life. That’s why it can be useful to understand who’s in there and what each character is trying to do. So who are the main characters inside you?
The front self
The first character to become familiar with is the person you present to the world. This is the character people see when they meet you, the “frontman” who stands in front of your inner characters and Deals with the outside world.
The front self develops when you learn that certain personal characteristics are valued by others and can help you get your needs and wants met in the world. Your parents initially taught you this when, for example, they encouraged you to be polite to others.
The front self develops with a vengeance in your late primary school years when you discover that some behaviours are “cool” and some aren’t. If you’re going to fit in with your peers and eventually with other groups throughout your life, it’s important to develop the ability to determine what is acceptable behaviour and then act it out. Sometimes, you may not even like the attitudes and behaviours you adopt but the payoff of acceptance and a sense of belonging seems worth it.
Over the years the front self becomes more and more ingrained, even second nature. You don’t have to think about it any more. You may begin to notice a gap, however, between the person you show to others and the self inside. You’re “onto” this frontman when you sense that who you’re trying to be is not who you really are.
Consider this quote from Kurt Vonnegut’s Mother Night: “You are who you pretend to be. So be careful who you pretend to be.” This is a warning about the danger of believing you are the frontman you create. There’s a risk you may fall for your own act and forget who you really are inside.
You may even keep up this act for so long that you lose track of who your other selves are — that is, until one of the inner characters taps you on the shoulder and forces you to look around to see who’s there. This tap may come in the form of feelings of depression, anxiety or meaninglessness or via some shakeup in your life.
It’s exhausting pretending to be someone else, so once you stop to look behind or, more accurately, inside yourself, it can be a real relief. You can get on with discovering who you really are.
The child
One of the first inner characters that develops is your child self. The child self is capable of laughter, fun, joy and play and can just let go and enjoy things for their own sake. As you grow into adulthood, the child self can get buried under work, stress and the responsibilities of life. The gift of the child self is that it can restore perspective and remind you that life isn’t just about hardship. You’re also allowed to have fun!
You may find your child self awakening when you have your own children — children often remind us of the wonder of life and the importance of not taking it all for granted. You may find you’re able to lose yourself in play with your children. Alternatively, your child self may come out in dance, music, sport or creativity.
Sometimes it can be hard to recognise the voice of your child self. It may come out as a suggestion to stay home from work or a feeling that you just need time out. It may be an impulse to laze around, or to not work on that project or make that call but to take off sailing instead.
It can be useful to pay attention to such impulses rather than just shrug them off. There might be an important message there about the lack of balance in your life. By listening to the child, you may find it would be beneficial to your physical and psychological wellbeing to adjust your routine and allow more time for fun and play.
The child is not just about fun and laughter, however. When you were growing up you may have received messages from your parents that you weren’t doing well enough or weren’t being good enough. You may have felt unloved when you were punished or disciplined. Some of those feelings from childhood may have stayed with you. Now you may feel you have to perform well all the time. You may become afraid in situations where your performance is on the line. You may feel sad when you’re being criticised.
The child self is often the carrier of hurt and fear. If you don’t address these self-defeating and limiting feelings and give “comfort” to the child self, you may find them holding you back from living fully. So if you find yourself crying “for no reason”, take a look inside. Maybe something has made your child self feel hurt or anxious. Attending to the matter will allow you to move forward.
The teenager
The next inner character is the teenage self. The teenager is all about rights: what’s fair and what’s not. If you notice a voice inside muttering things like, “How dare they do that!” or “I’ll show them!”, it sounds like your inner teenager is on the rampage. Anger is the calling card of the teenager.
Your inner teenager hates being told what to do and gets cross if it’s not given a fair go. The inner rant will probably be about how people don’t appreciate you. There are many “teenagers” out there on the roads getting outraged if they’re cut off in traffic or can’t get where they want to go quickly enough. The teenager’s focus is on the self and getting one’s needs met. Anger, jealousy and revenge may arise when the teenage self is thwarted.
The teenage perspective is useful because it’s about justice and fairness, but this self doesn’t have the maturity to address such needs in a balanced way. Instead, there are grudges, sulks and tantrums. If you find yourself manipulating people or events to get what you want, or slamming doors to make a point, have a chat to your teenage self. Tell it you understand what it wants and show it a better way to go about getting that. Speak up for what you need but do it constructively. Perhaps engage in social activism — the teenager’s idealism and social outrage can benefit from a legitimate outlet.
The parent
If there’s a child and a teenager inside you, it makes sense that there will also be a parent to keep them in line, which is precisely what your inner parent does. This character tries to maintain order and keep you well behaved. It works out what the rules in society are and then tries to get you to obey them. The inner parent says things like: “I think you should visit your relatives this week. You haven’t seen them for a while and you know it’s the right thing to do.” The parent sorts out “right” from “wrong” and gives you a hard time if you don’t follow its advice. “Should” is one of the most common words the parent uses. If you hear yourself saying you should do something, it’s probably the parent talking.
The parent is intent on keeping life safe and manageable. It thinks that if you follow the rules, things will go well and you’ll avoid difficulties. Its enemy is anarchy, which is what you might have if the teenager runs wild!
The trouble with the inner parent is that it’s very conservative. Its ideas may be limited and rigid; it doesn’t like change or risks. The parent may keep you on a course that is safe and predictable, but it can also hold you back from exploring and experiencing all that life has to offer. You may have to let it know that the payoffs in terms of experience and learning will be worth the risks. If you’re avoiding adventure and excitement in your life in favour of routine and order, the voice of your inner parent may be a little too loud.
The critic
Once you have a parent voice inside, you may also be on your way to developing a critic voice. The critic comes in when you don’t act as the parent suggests you should. Its task is to critique your behaviour. The trouble is it doesn’t give you positive feedback, only negative.
The critic wants you to do well in life, but it’s an absolute perfectionist so nothing you do will ever measure up. It will always find something to criticise. Its voice can be harsh and demanding. Its initial impulse may have been helpful but it can get very out of hand. People with a loud critic voice tend to develop low self-esteem. They don’t need anyone else telling them they’re not good enough — their inner voice is doing that all the time, anyway.
The critic’s voice can be very debilitating. Before you try some new activity it will say something like: “Why are you bothering with this? You won’t be any good at it. You don’t have the skills for it. You’ll fall flat on your face.” And afterwards it will be ready and waiting to pull you down: “That was hopeless. Everyone else did much better than you.” If this voice is allowed to continue you’ll lose confidence and your sense of worth.
While the critic tries to get you to follow the dictates of the parent, it does so by hurting your child self and angering your defensive teenage self. The result is fear, anxiety and depression. You need an alternative voice inside that can match the critic in strength but is on your side in a positive way. That’s where the adult/wise self comes in.
The adult/wise self
Our inner selves and the outer world are in desperate need of a character that can organise all the different parts of us. This character needs to be able to soothe and encourage the child self, and inspire and coach the teenage self. It also needs to tone down the parent and put the critic in its place. The self capable of doing all this goes by many names: the adult self, the higher self, the wise self or the Self with a capital “S”.
The beauty of this self is it has an overview and understands the perspectives of all the other selves while not getting lost in any of them. It’s the self that brings all the parts of us together. It also understands that we are connected to the outside world and therefore need to work with others to achieve the best outcome for everyone. It understands that success for ourselves at the expense of others can be a destructive and short-sighted outcome; what is right for us must also work for others.
Although rational, the adult self is not about logic. It has access to a deeper level of processing called intuition. Intuition is a holistic capacity that can access all levels of information about a situation, synthesise them and then work out the best outcome. Many people don’t trust this capacity because its reasoning is much more difficult to follow than logic, and because it has been demeaned as a feminine attribute. Interestingly, Harvard Business School, which you might expect to be a hard-nosed institution, has rated intuition as the most important quality for generating success in business. Of course, intuition is just as useful in our personal and social lives.
The adult self also has the capacity to manage emotions. It doesn’t repress the emotions of the other inner characters or the people outside the self. Instead, it finds safe ways to express, integrate and channel these emotions. You can tell when the adult or wise self is present because there’s no emotional charge as there is with the other selves. The wise self has more of a calm, confident and knowing sense to it.
To find this wise self, you must first become familiar with all the other inner characters. You must be able to hear them and identify them when they talk. This takes patience and self-awareness. The wise self is always present, listening in when the other voices are talking, but you can’t hear it until the other voices have calmed down. It doesn’t impose itself but waits until you’re ready to notice it and attend to its wisdom. This self doesn’t get involved in any of the arguments the other selves do. It just brings a non-judgmental and compassionate awareness to everything.
The adult self can easily become lost underneath the noise and stress of everyday life. But it doesn’t disappear; it’s just that your other selves are distracting you from hearing it. Therefore it’s useful to set aside time every day to calm down and still yourself so the wise self can come back into focus. Meditation, walking in nature, listening to music or expressing yourself creatively are all ways to access this self. You just have to find what works best for you. Your inner selves can then gather quietly around this wise, central self (they usually need a break, anyway) and you can take your wise self into your relationships, social life and work life, where it will be most welcome.
Characteristics of our many selves
| Self | Task | Positive attributes | Negative attributes |
| front self | presents you to others | confidence, communication | phoney, superficial |
| child | imagination, wonder | capacity for play, joy | naive, powerless, holds hurt and fear |
| teenager | justice | stands up for what’s fair | angry, defensive, argumentative |
| parent | safety | makes rules, creates order | conservative, rigid, limited |
| critic | conscience | self-inquiry, assesses | critical, lowers self-esteem |
| adult/wise self | connection, meaning | intuition, compassion, integration | none |
Cynthia Hickman is a psychologist in private practice in Melbourne. M: 0417 103 018.
