Human brains are mainly designed to connect to the brains of other humans. Because of the way your brain is wired, every action you take has a potential biological and chemical impact on you and those around you. Depending on what you do and how you do it, you could create fear, disgust, hatred and conflict OR love, rapport, empathy and understanding within your relationships.
Additionally, you need relationships in order to feel safe, and you need to feel safe in order to feel happy, and feeling happy is very important if you wish to have a satisfying and fulfilling life. If you want better-quality relationships but are wondering how difficult it will be to change, or if you are thinking you are too old or stuck in your ways to change, or even thinking you’re not good at these “soft skills”, think again! The brain is very plastic; in other words, it’s totally capable of learning new ways of operating and connecting. If you’re reading this article, there’s no reason whatsoever that you can’t also learn to be more emotionally and socially intelligent. All humans can!
What is social intelligence?
The concept of “social intelligence” has been explored by scientists for nearly 100 years with the original definition being “the ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls, to act wisely in human relations” (Thorndike, EL, 1920).
More recently, there is a field of science called neuroscience, which is an interdisciplinary approach (biology, psychology, philosophy, linguistics and more) that in its simplest terms looks at how your brain and nervous system work, and from this knowledge presents the following opportunity: if you can change the way you think, you can change the way you behave, and therefore improve your overall effectiveness, productivity and even your happiness.
One of the better-known leaders in this area is Daniel Goleman, who has studied the brain and emotions and created his pivotal work on emotional intelligence, which is defined as the ability to identify, assess and control the emotions of oneself, others and groups. Goleman has gone to the next step, along with the help of many other researchers and scientists, to explore what social intelligence is — the interpersonal part of emotional intelligence.
Because humans have such large brains, we’re able to be more self-aware, to make conscious and complex decisions about our environment, our social interactions and how we will behave within relationships. It’s important to note that emotional and social intelligence is very different from simply intelligence. In fact, much of the previous findings on intelligence, and namely intelligence quotient (IQ) tests, have been proved to be flawed. One can be clever but that in itself is not enough to be adept at handling interpersonal relationships.
A study by Matthew Lieberman of UCLA, as well as the research of many others, has made one thing exceptionally clear: the human brain is a social organ and its psychological and neurological reactions are directly shaped by social interaction. Lieberman states, “Most processes operating in the background when your brain is at rest are involved in thinking about other people and yourself.”
Therefore, social intelligence is about understanding how the brain works, what its triggers for reaction are and how these can be enhanced or, in some cases, changed. This is where recognising that you can “rewire” the brain and get it to work more effectively is very important and that, as you learn to do this, you become more socially intelligent.
Humans and happiness
One of the most important threads of modern research on the social brain looks at the “threat or reward” response, which is a neurological mechanism that governs a significant portion of human behaviour.
David Rock, President of the NeuroLeadership Institute and author of the book Your Brain at Work, states, “When you encounter something unexpected, the limbic system (a relatively primitive part of the brain common to many animals) is aroused. If the perception is danger, then the response becomes a pure threat response, also known as the fight or flight response.”
Recently, researchers have documented that the threat response is often triggered in social situations and it tends to be more intense and longer-lasting than the reward response. In many studies, the threat response is equivalent to the response the brain registers to actual physical pain.
Where we once thought Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” theory put social needs somewhere between physical survival and self-actualisation, we now find that the brain equates social needs WITH survival.
Experiencing the threat response is taxing and uses up important body systems in response to it, including diverting oxygen and glucose from other parts of the brain, including working memory functions and our ability to handle new information and ideas. What this essentially means is that when we’re in social threat mode, our analytical thinking, creative insight and problem-solving skills are impaired. As Rock puts it, “Just when people most need their sophisticated mental capabilities, the brain’s internal resources are taken away from them.”
However, when people are feeling good about themselves, have clear expectations, are more confident with what’s happening socially, feel supported and in good relationships, their brains prompt reward responses. When experiencing this response, you are less susceptible to negative stress, anxiety and burnout. Essentially, you are happier.
The brain can shift from threat to reward with some conscious effort on your part. This starts with being mindful of what’s happening, including why and how you are responding to the triggers you believe are occurring. Although this can be difficult if you’re in a “threatened state”, it’s not impossible. It just takes concentration and the intent to change, and even the most entrenched behaviours can be modified.
According to David Rock in his article Managing with the Brain in Mind, where he is summarising the outcomes of many other neuroscience researchers, there are five qualities that enable people to minimise the threat response and instead enable the reward response. These five social qualities are status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness and fairness. All these can have positive impacts on all types of relationships, regardless of whether they are personal or professional.
Status
We are biologically programmed to care about our status because it favours our survival. People need to feel valued and appreciated for their contribution, abilities and roles. When people feel this is being threatened in any way, including the simple lack of acknowledgement of their value, the brain automatically reacts to a threat. People need to feel safe with regard to their status so it’s important to reinforce this in others, such as saying “good job” or “thank you for doing that for me — it really helps me out a lot” or “I’m so grateful to have you as my friend”.
Certainty
When we’ve experienced something before, the brain already knows how to respond. However, the minute the brain registers ambiguity or confusion, it flashes an error signal and the threat response begins, which can have effects such as diminished memory, poor performance and disengaging from the present or even the relationship. To counteract this, it’s important to have clarity, explain decisions and be authentic. For example, 55 per cent of all conflict in the workplace is related to the perception that someone “might” be being untrustworthy. It doesn’t mean they actually are, but that someone believes they have the potential to be. Imagine how this uncertainty creates a threat response and therefore the seeds of conflict. Ensuring you are living by positive values, demonstrating them consistently well, being a person of integrity and trustworthiness and so on all work to create a sense of certainty with others.
Autonomy
People need to feel like they have permission to and are capable of making their own choices in life. When they feel this is being taken away from them, it creates a threat response. When they do feel in control of their own choices, they have a greater sense of certainty and reduced stress. Essentially, they are able to be happier, even if they feel they have made poor choices, simply by knowing they made the choices themselves. For example, people who work for themselves, although they may be working long hours and have heightened levels of stress related to their business, still report themselves to be happier because they feel they are in control of their own life choices. Regarding relationships, it’s critical for people within the relationship to feel supported and encouraged to make their own choices or to make them collaboratively together, to have a sense of independence or interdependence as opposed to dependence or, worse, being controlled by others.
Relatedness
Healthy relationships require trust and empathy, and the brain recognises these traits if the person perceives they are part of the same social group. Each time you meet a new person, your brain automatically makes a quick friend or foe assessment. This is why first impressions count so much! Once people make stronger social connections, the brain begins to secrete a hormone called oxytocin while in the presence of another person. Research has shown that this chemical disarms the threat response. You can get your brain to secrete oxytocin by smiling more often, by giving and receiving hugs daily and even through a warm and welcoming handshake. Loneliness actually produces a threat response due to the lack of social interaction, activating the same chemical response as if subjected to physical pain. Therefore, it’s important to find opportunities to engage with people socially, even if only online within social media platforms, although situations where there can be actual physical proximity, such as clubs, classes and public events, are likely to increase the oxytocin levels.
Fairness
Studies have shown that the experience of fairness produces reward responses in the brain similar to those that occur from eating chocolate. The cognitive need for fairness is so strong that some people are willing to fight for causes they believe in or work for a company they recognise as socially responsible and fair. Regarding relationships, people need to feel like they are being treated fairly, as opposed to being used, ignored or undervalued. They also need to experience you living to a similar value set as themselves, particularly if their value set includes things like integrity, honesty and empathy. People expect and need transparency, genuineness and the open sharing of thoughts, feelings, desires and motivations.
Focusing on developing your skills and behaviour choices in these five areas can greatly increase both your satisfaction in your relationships and the satisfaction of those you’re in a relationship with, which will have a direct correlation with your general sense of happiness and theirs as well.
Creating happiness through connection
There are numerous strategies you can use daily to increase your overall happiness through the connections you make with others.
Know your values and live by them.
Your values are your core operating system; in other words, the principles by which you make decisions, particularly in terms of how you make behaviour choices regarding your relationships (with yourself and with others). Common emotionally and socially intelligent values include integrity, honesty, trust, empathy, compassion and love. How do these values match your own core values? What would you add? How well do you consistently behave in line with your values? How do you let others know what your core values are? Do you demonstrate these so well that people know you for them (your reputation)? Do you need to specifically have a “values-based” conversation with someone so you can learn from each other what’s important to each of you and where the synergies may be in terms of your relationship together?
Work on your emotional intelligence.
This means exploring and accepting your strengths, and improving on your self-awareness of your emotions, emotional triggers and your responses to them. Further to that, learning how to regulate your emotional responses from destructive to constructive, being trustworthy, adaptable and creative. And to understand what motivates you and drives your commitments and optimism. When you perform these functions better, you are in a better position to understand and have empathy for all this in others. This requires that you care about others, their feelings and their drivers, and that you develop good social skills, regardless of the context or environment, so that you are able to build better bonds, have less conflict and are in a better position to help others also be happy by having their needs met at the same time as you are seeking to have your needs met.
Stay connected!
Keep in touch with family, friends, colleagues and the communities you’re a part of. Learn to get comfortable having small talk with people in the queue in front or behind you. Accept invitations to dinners, movies and other outings. Even connecting with people on Facebook keeps relationships alive. People who surround themselves with other people are generally happier and more productive, and get more out of life. (Mind you, that does not mean you should not also be able to experience happiness when you are alone). It also doesn’t matter if you identify yourself as being introverted. Everyone still needs social connections, just at different levels depending on what makes them feel safe and comfortable.
Join a club or volunteer.
There are lots of ways to get more involved in life and to increase the quantity and quality of relationships in your life. There may be a club where you can have shared interests with other people, such as a sporting or book or movie club, or consider taking a cooking class with others or possibly volunteering for an organisation that needs your help and which also matches your values. You’re likely to engage with others who share your values and this breeds happiness.
Resolve existing conflicts.
Conflict is inevitable but you are in complete control of the conflict behaviours you choose to employ or not. Quite simply, you can choose to approach a perceived conflict situation constructively or destructively. As you can imagine, if you choose destructive behaviours (winning at all costs, displaying anger, demeaning others, retaliating, avoiding the situation, giving in when you know it’s not appropriate, hiding your emotions or blaming yourself without fixing the situation), then the conflict is likely to escalate. Instead, choose constructive behaviours (seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective, creating solutions, sharing your emotions, inviting the other person to work with you to resolve the conflict, apologising where appropriate, reflecting and learning from your experiences, delaying responding until you’re less emotional and adapting/changing where it’s wise to do so) and you’re likely to de-escalate and possibly eliminate the conflict. It doesn’t matter how far in the past the conflict is, you can still choose to be constructive and resolve it now.
Develop good relationship habits.
Get in the habit of smiling more often. Give more hugs. Learn a better handshake that makes people feel truly valued, special and that you really are happy to know them.
Learn to appreciate your wisdom.
Wisdom is essentially derived from the combination of your knowledge, experiences, how you interpret those experiences positively or negatively (the more positive meaning you can find in your experiences and how you view your relationships, the potentially wiser your approach may be … this is very much related to your emotional and social intelligence) and your creative and critical thinking. You may wish to do some reflection on what makes you wise now and how you could be wiser, in particular how you approach all of your relationships. A useful coaching question here is always, “What’s the wiser way of seeing, approaching and/or responding to this situation/relationship?”
Learn to appreciate your emotionally and socially intelligent skills.
For example, if you’re a parent, what makes you such a good parent? If you’re a teacher, doctor, best friend etc, what makes you so good in these relationship-driven roles? You are in a number of different types of relationships right now. You are most certainly doing some good things in all of them at some level. What are your relationship strengths? Where can you improve and what will you commit to doing about that?
Support others to be happier
Similarly, there are strategies you can use daily that can have a positive impact on others and therefore it is reasonable to conclude that their responses to you will also increase your happiness. The starting point is to do all the strategies for making yourself happier and perform these consistently well. By doing so, you are role modelling and others will notice and in many cases will follow your lead.
Working on enhancing your empathy skills will go a long way in helping other people feel that you care about them. The first question to consider is, “Why do I care about how others feel?” The more you can understand the benefits of caring, the better you are likely to develop your empathetic skills.
Ask people what makes them happy and help them fulfil those needs. Engage in conversations with people for the specific purpose of finding out what makes them happy, what their drivers are, what they most enjoy out of life, and see how you can help them fulfil those needs.
Pay attention! Similarly, pay attention to how others respond to you and whether the response you’ve been observing is driven by a sense of feeling threatened or of feeling safe, welcomed and belonging. If you sense someone is feeling threatened, help them reduce that feeling, even if it means you have to apologise for the approach you initially took and then try a more socially intelligent approach.
Now, you may also be wondering, what if this doesn’t work on others? What’s the impact on me?
This is a very good question and, to be realistic, there are no guarantees that any of these strategies will work every time or in every situation. That said, it is important to know your own core values around happiness, trust, authenticity and integrity and to continue to live by these values regardless of how anyone around you, any relationship you may have, chooses to behave. The only things you are in 100 per cent control of are your own behaviour choices.
Therefore, focus on consciously pursuing your own happiness through your efforts of self-awareness, awareness of others and the intent to seek and maintain healthy relationships. If you feel you need assistance in doing this, consider speaking to your doctor, counsellor, coach or other appropriate support people and professionals.
Noel Posus is a Master Coach with over 20 years’ experience helping individuals and organisations. He also won the prestigious Coach of the Year Award from the Australian and New Zealand Institute of Coaching in 2008 and 2009. W: www.NoelPosus.com, www.AskACoach.com
