Love feels no burden,
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility;
for it thinks all things lawful for itself
and all things possible.
(Thomas A Kempis)
Throughout A Course in Miracles (www.acim.org), that extraordinary manual on self-transformation scribed by the clinical research psychologist Dr Helen Schueman, the primary theme is that there are only two emotions, love and fear, and that fear is but the shadow of love.
According to the Course any disturbance in our feelings indicates a closing of the heart in some way, with the discomfort providing an incentive for self-transformation, in the same way that the agony of the fish out of water makes it strive to return to its life-giving stream.
All of us spend our lives looking for a love-filled happiness and equanimity that is more than a brief ripple on the surface of an endless sea – we want to be the sea, all of it. But how are we to find this sacred treasure that we sense is our birthright? What methods of self-transformation can we invoke to bring about a true blossoming of the heart?
Perhaps the first step is to let go of wanting others to love us. Many saints and sages have told us that, when we do feel loved, treasured and admired, this radiance from “outside” is meant to serve a much higher purpose than warming our hearts for a while. It is so easy to forget that what we see and feel in others is a mirror reflection of ourselves. That is, the love that we feel from another is really the same love that is waiting within us, hiding like the sun behind a few clouds.
Nine hundred years ago St Francis of Assisi reminded us: “What you are looking for is what is looking.” We are already the love that we so yearn to feel shining on us from another; we are the joy we see in another’s eyes. The challenge in this form of self-transformation is to allow the mind to believe what we intuitively know to be true: in our yearning to feel loved, we’ve been looking for our own true Self.
In other words, we seek love because we are love; and, the wise ones say, not just one drop of love, but a vast, endless sea of love, waiting to rediscover itself.
All too often I see people in our clinic rooms who are pining with grief and sadness for someone with whom they shared some idyllic moments – it could have been fleeting or even long-lasting – but now their beloved no longer wishes to continue the relationship. Their heart is breaking, yearning, aching. After listening for a while and when the tears subside I remind them that every agony is an opportunity for self-transformation, that the sugar cane gets crushed so we can reach the sweet sugar inside. As the Lebanese poet/mystic, Kahlil Gibran wrote:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
They are reassured that understanding will come, with rewards so rich and even sweet. I say to them something like:
It hurts so much because you have been turning away from your true Self, from your own inner Beauty, love and delight. Your beloved was a mirror gifted to you for a while so that you could see a reflection of your own exquisiteness. Now the mirror has gone. Give thanks in your mind and heart and look for the treasure within. Say to yourself ten thousand times, “Within me is the love that I thought had gone. I am the love that I so earnestly seek.” Use your pain well for this journey of self-transformation.
Of course it is not enough to just think and reflect on words that call us to be the love that we truly are. The real catalyst for self-transformation is to put into action our innate yearning to evolve into a loving person. Love grows each time we speak gently and kindly to someone, think about others with gratitude and compassion, and behave in a kind and thoughtful way.
Let me share with you just a few of the well-known ways for getting our love to flow, first as a trickle, then as a stream, until at last we are pouring out love like a river in flood.
Start the day with love.
Before getting into the day’s activities, spend just five minutes using the Sufi technique for priming the heart for a day of loving. Place the open left hand over the “mystical” heart just to the right of the centre of your chest. Bend your head and speak into your heart with gentle yet fervent words: “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Say them over and over again, pausing for a few seconds between each declaration of love.
Three good things.
At the end of every day write down three good things that happened for you. They can be anything you feel good about and grateful for. Even on not-so-good days there will always be some things we can feel good about.
Three letters of thanks.
Every few weeks or so, think of three people who have been a positive influence in your life in some way and to whom you feel grateful. Write a letter to each one, telling them specifically what you are grateful for – how they have helped you and how that made you into the person you are today.
Extra acts of kindness.
Every now and then, for one whole week, set out to perform on each new day some additional acts of kindness. Perhaps a compliment, a helping hand, a hug, a surprise gift or some other caring and thoughtful deed.
Look for the good in people.
Before spending time with someone – or sometimes after you’ve parted company – take a moment just to think about the things you like and appreciate about that person, what you admire in them and how they make you feel good. It could be someone new in your life or perhaps you’ve known each other for quite a long time.
Each one of these activities has the potential for radical self-transformation, bringing about a true blossoming of the heart.
I’ll finish with a short poem:
Love is good, selfless and kind.
Love is water for the thirsty
and sight for the blind.
Love quenches our thirst
and opens our eyes to see
perfection and beauty in all.
Namaste,
Ron
