“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” ~ James Earl Jones
Depression can affect anyone; people of all ages and from all walks of life. It has an enormous impact on individuals, families and the community. An astounding 350 million people worldwide are affected by depression. I am one of them.
I developed dysthymia, a depressive disorder, in my early teens (I am now in my late 30s) but was diagnosed only five years ago. This is not an unusual scenario, with many sufferers waiting 10 years, or more, before seeking treatment. Dysthymia is a chronic type of depression characterised by a person’s mood being regularly low. Although symptoms are generally less severe than in major depression, most dysthymia sufferers will experience episodes of major depressive symptoms. I didn’t seek treatment immediately because most days I could still function, but it was often a struggle. I knew something was not quite right. I was merely existing, not living.
Once I had this realisation, I knew it was time to seek help. I presented with the typical symptoms of dysthymia: sadness, sleeplessness and a lack of energy. Blood tests ruled out a physical condition for my symptoms and I was left to face the fact that I suffered from a “mental disorder”. I felt instant shame the moment I heard those two words. My preconceived idea of what this meant was terrifying to me.
As many people who live with depression can attest, revealing your condition can be a daunting prospect. I was worried about sharing this part of my life in case I was judged; I didn’t want my depression to define me.
I have, and had, no real reason to be depressed. The best way I can describe it is that what I know and what I feel don’t match up. But if I didn’t understand why I was depressed, how could I expect others to? This is when I turned to expressive and creative writing. Expressive writing is a term used to describe a type of writing focusing on traumatic, stressful or emotional events and on the feelings inspired by these occurrences. Creative writing focuses on creating external scenarios.
I learnt about the benefits of expressive and creative writing when researching ways to manage my dysthymia. Studies had shown that writing therapy, combined with other treatments, could assist in reducing the symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress, and contribute to improvements in physical health. I recognised the merit of this treatment and the benefits of being able to undergo “therapy” at any place, any time.
Putting pen to paper helped me to process my thoughts and to achieve a greater understanding of myself. Research has shown that writing about negative experiences does not make the negativity more pronounced but, instead, can reduce rumination and provide an insight into feelings and patterns of thinking. For me, it led me on a path of consciously choosing new possibilities. Expressive writing helped, and continues to help, me to express thoughts that are difficult to verbally articulate, and creative writing allows me to focus my mind elsewhere.
My journey inspired me to write a song called Don’t Let the Darkness In. Initially, the lyrics were merely the self-expression of my own struggles, penned one night when I couldn’t sleep. But I then met Tom Farmer, through the Australian Institute of Music, who wrote a beautiful and moving score to my lyrics.
I sent a demo of the song to actress Jolene Anderson, who willingly became the vocalist. Anderson and I shared a common interest in promoting the need for discussion and community awareness of mental illness. Jolene lost a dear friend, her All Saints co-star Mark Priestley, who took his own life after a long battle with depression. She was able to empathise with, and connect to, the words of the song.
It was a difficult decision as to whether to record the song and release it to the public. Was I ready to reveal my secret? I decided to share my experience in the hope that it may help others suffering from depression to find the courage to talk to somebody about it. I also hoped the song would give their families and friends an insight into what their loved one may be going through.
The Black Dog Institute is a non-profit organisation dedicated to improving the lives of people affected by mood disorders. I had personally used their resources, so I decided to send them the song. On hearing Don’t Let the Darkness In, they put their support behind it. I am grateful for the opportunity to have shared my story, as I hope the song is able to generate discussion and help to reduce the stigma often associated with mental disorders.
Expressive and creative writing have significantly reduced the impact of dysthymia on my life. I recall a quote from Chuck T. Falcon: “Remember sadness is always temporary. This, too, shall pass.” I now know that things do get better, no matter how dark some days may seem.
Proceeds from Don’t Let the Darkness In go to the Black Dog Institute. You can buy it on iTunes or at dontletthedarknessin.com.
