Men for many years now have felt misunderstood, and it’s not just a pickup line. Many of the men I see in the clinic for relationship issues all seem to have similar issues. They complain their partners nag them, that they are criticised, unappreciated and overworked, and feel unloved. This of course creates a cycle where their self-esteem becomes lower and some even come to the point where they give up on the relationship and communication is at a standstill. Other men get accused of not being able to communicate at all; this also taps in to the same insecurities that make many men feel they are fighting a lost cause when it comes to reconciling with their partner.
I have found from talking to my clients that men, still to some degree, have some outdated ideas about relationships, particularly the woman’s role in the family. Many expect someone like mum who will look after the house, feed them, do the washing etc and also be the partner to look after the kids, be their sexual partner and at the same time look like a million dollars in that size 10 dress put on especially for him after a hard day’s work. By now I know there are a couple of women reading this out there who are smiling.
However, let’s be fair, girls. The other side of the coin is that men also like to feel appreciated and many of them do work hard at their job and by the time they walk in that door and the kids are carrying on about not wanting to do their homework, the baby is crying and you are stressed out because of the politics at your work, they really don’t want to know. Not because they don’t love you but because they have had enough with their own issues at their office and because they are wired differently to women.
When you ask a man if he can do the washing up, mentally he is saying, “Of course I can do the washing up.” You have not asked him if he would do the washing up now. In his mind you are asking him if he is capable of doing it, and of course he is, so the question gets dismissed. This is on a subconscious level to some degree. Then an hour later when you find it’s not done and he is in front of the TV sleeping, by then the delicious meal and the lethargy from work has kicked in and he is just tired.
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Many times men get blamed for not communicating when women do not put their boundaries in place and have the nerve to get up there and ask for what they want. The men are confused and walking on eggshells so to speak, in an effort to please their partner, when all she seems to do is nag and criticise. Our partners, whether they be men or women, were not put into the partnership to be a carbon copy of us or just to please us. The healthiest of relationships respect the other person’s differences whilst finding a middle ground on which to interact.
The answer to the miscommunication however is never one of infidelity. Both men and women who are not faithful to their partners have an immature concept of relationships. Whatever the other person did is not a reason to cheat and men, although they seem to be accused more than women, are not always the cheaters. In any relationship, if it’s not working out you need to state your needs, put your boundaries in place and, if it absolutely cannot be resolved, then walk away before you cheat on your partner – not after.
Let us also not forget that some of these men that we accuse of being uncaring, lazy, couch potatoes were brought up by women. Over indulgent, over protective mothers who did not let their little boy do anything for themselves in the house when they were little and by the time they were old enough it was too late and the pattern had set in. So before you criticise your man, look at how much you are enabling him to continue in a pattern which may be making you feel angry and frustrated. He already has one mother and does not need you to mother him. The moment you step into that role he will begin to think of you differently and act accordingly.
Men and women are equal partners in a communicative relationship which hopefully lays fertile ground to foster the love and growth of their children and family. The moment one partner begins to feel less than the other, the communication suffers, the fighting starts and the relationship is affected. So while men perhaps need to know that some women need lots of affection, romance and need to talk more (all the things I often hear them accused of not doing), women also need to let their man be a man by appreciating him for the qualities he does have, allowing him the space and time to be with his friends and to realise that a day off is not running around but may mean just lying on the couch watching the footy.
