You’ve had a baby, and now you’re wondering what happened to sex. If you’re like the majority of women, especially if the baby was your first, you’ll find that your sexual relationship with your partner has changed. Most women find they have relatively little interest in sex after childbirth and while they’re breastfeeding, so if this is how you feel, rest assured you’re not alone. In fact, it’s quite normal and all part of nature’s plan to help space out your children in the most effective and healthy manner. So don’t worry! And remember — the feeling won’t last forever. <.p>
Researchers have found a wide variation of sexual behaviour among women after childbirth. Masters and Johnson (Human Sexual Response, 1966) found that the time taken to return to pre-pregnancy levels of sexual activity varied from a few weeks to three months or longer. Other studies show that some women have still not resumed sexual intercourse after a year. Statistically, only 35 to 50 per cent of women are sexually active within six weeks of giving birth, and 88 per cent are active at 12 weeks. However, every woman is different and no response is “normal” or better than another. It’s perfectly OK to resume your intimate relationship at your own pace.
In some cultures, postnatal sexual abstinence is mandatory, and it’s considered “bad form” for children to be born very close together. For example, in Sierra Leone, postnatal abstinence lasts for a full year; in some Pacific Island cultures it lasts for two. While this doesn’t mean you have to emulate such examples, you should be aware that there are recognised traditions and sound reasons for taking your time and waiting until you feel ready.
While some women do experience heightened postnatal sexual energy, even in the first few days after birth, there are many reasons why you may be less interested in sex. You need to understand the factors contributing to your lack of interest so you can either do something about them or make the necessary allowances and adjustments. The factors involved include hormonal changes, your new role as a mother (and your joint role as parents), your energy levels, your emotional state, physical problems resulting from childbirth, your new body image, your possible fear of another pregnancy, and your partner’s attitude. As well as learning to let your body and libido recover at their own rate, there’s a lot that can be done to deal with many of these issues.
How hormones affect your libido
While you’re breastfeeding, raised levels of prolactin are produced by your pituitary gland. Prolactin is the hormone that controls lactation, but it also has a calming or sedative effect — it’s “nature’s Valium” for the nursing mother.
Another result of increased prolactin production is the delay of ovulation. In the absence of an ovulation cycle, your oestrogen levels are lower and this can decrease your libido. According to Natalie Angier, author of Woman: An Intimate Geography, most women of child-bearing age are more interested in sex when they’re ovulating — which is simply nature’s way of loading the reproduction dice. So in the absence of ovulation, sexual desire may be lower because nature has no pay-off in terms of baby-making.
Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for the “let-down” reflex, is released at orgasm. While it’s not common for women to have an orgasm while they are breastfeeding (although some certainly do), the constant “hits” of oxytocin that are stimulated by your baby’s nursing can have a strong bearing on how you feel about sex. On the one hand, it may make you less likely to look for sexual satisfaction with your partner; on the other, it may increase your levels of desire by acting as a “turn-on”.
Your new role as a mother
Part of the joy of being a new mother is the simple pleasure you experience from the skin-to-skin contact with your baby. This, coupled with the intense feelings of love you experience, will probably mean you are emotionally and physically focused on your child and on your breastfeeding relationship. While there’s still plenty of room for your partner in your affections, it’s easy to become so focused on your new relationship with your baby that your partner feels excluded. Some women feel that any further tactile or sensual experience after spending 20 hours a day with their baby is just sensory overload.
You’ll need to deal with these feelings, otherwise you might find that your intimate relationship with your partner takes a back seat for far too long. Giving your partner the opportunity to care for your baby will help him establish an equally powerful bond with the child and can help him understand how you are feeling.
Make time to be with your partner and reassure him that he’s still important to you. However, when you spend time together, remember that conversations about nappies and feeding schedules may not be the romantic stimulus required, so you may need to make an effort to switch your attention to subjects unrelated to babies.
It’s a well-known joke that birth control in the postnatal period is mostly achieved through “baby interruptus”, as many babies seem to have an internal alarm that rings just as you and your partner are finally making some headway in the romance stakes. The best way to deal with this is to keep your baby in (or at least near) the bed with you. Even if your baby does wake, you can tend to him or her without too much disturbance. If you’re concerned about any adverse psychological effects this may have, I recommend you read Tine Thevenin’s The Family Bed: An age old concept in child rearing. This historical and cross-cultural examination of co-sleeping reveals that children have shared parental beds for longer than they have slept apart, learning without fuss or anxiety all they needed to know about the birds and the bees.
Feeling tired or depressed?
Sleep deprivation is a big problem for some women and can contribute to a lack of sexual desire. A breastfed baby will want to feed more often, so keeping your baby in the family bed, or at least within arm’s reach, is the best way to deal with your baby’s needs while making sure your sleep is minimally disturbed.
However well you manage your night-time feeds, you may still find at the end of the day (or any time when you can relax) that all you want to do is sleep and that sex is the furthest thing from your mind. Sleeping when your baby does can be helpful, but it may mean that you and your partner are waking and sleeping at different times. If you feel like ships passing in the night, make “appointments” to at least meet and talk, and arrange to set aside special times to get together.
Don’t forget that eating well and supplementing sensibly can do a lot to battle fatigue. It’s very easy to slip into bad eating habits if you’re tired, which unfortunately only leads to a vicious circle of more fatigue and more bad eating habits.
Good nutrition (especially adequate zinc intake) is a prerequisite for avoiding postnatal depression; poor nutrition and sleep deprivation are perhaps the two main contributing factors to this condition. Postnatal depression can be very debilitating and will certainly prevent your libido returning at its natural rate. There are lots of self-help techniques and natural remedies, but if it persists, you may need to seek professional help.
Physical recovery from childbirth
Depending on your experience of childbirth, you may feel that your genital area could do with a rest for a while; your perineum may be quite bruised or you may have had stitches after a tear or an episiotomy. In these circumstances it would be most unwise to resume sex until the healing is complete. Serious birth trauma can be largely avoided, and healing and recovery supported, if you attend to your nutrition (especially your zinc levels) pre- and postnatally.
In addition, there are lots of “recovery remedies”. Arnica or witch-hazel ointments used topically (though not on broken skin) can be very helpful for bruising, and arnica can also be taken internally as a homoeopathic remedy. You can try sitz baths with essential oils, such as lavender, or the herbs calendula and comfrey to aid the healing of tears or cuts. Poultices or compresses made with these essential oils and herbs can also help. St John’s wort (Hypericum) oil is particularly helpful in healing any damaged nerve endings.
You may feel that your vagina has changed a lot and that your vaginal muscles are very slack. Just as the practice of pelvic floor (Kegel) exercises prenatally will help prevent this problem, so they can now help to resolve it. Pelvic floor exercises are simple to do: pretend you’re stopping the flow of urine by contracting those muscles; then release and contract, release and contract, and so on. You can do these any time and anywhere. Good nutrition can help too. Eat foods rich in calcium and magnesium (almond and Brazil nuts make great snacks); supplementation with these nutrients, which are essential for muscle contraction, will help too.
The low levels of oestrogen you experience when you’re not ovulating (or menstruating) can contribute to vaginal dryness, which doesn’t make sex any more attractive. Choose a natural lubricant (not a petroleum-based product) and use it liberally when you do resume intercourse. You’ll find that plenty of foreplay will help you to secrete more easily, especially if it includes relaxing and comforting activities like massage and stroking. Pleasure gels that contain a naturally occurring amino acid called L-arginine can help by stimulating blood flow and enhancing the arousal response, but you’ll need to wait until you’ve stopped breastfeeding before trying one of these products.
“My breasts aren’t mine any more”
You may feel that your breasts aren’t yours any more — they have been taken over by your baby. It may be difficult to relate to them as something that can arouse sexual desire at a time when they’re providing comfort and nourishment to your baby. If this is true for you, it’s good to remember that sex and reproduction are all part of the same cycle, and if you can truly understand and feel that intuitively, it may make it easier to resolve any conflicting feelings you have. (Your partner may need to try to do this too.)
If you have problems such as cracked nipples, engorgement or mastitis, the last thing you’ll want is anyone touching your sore breasts and exacerbating the problems that affect your breastfeeding. However, if you ensure your baby is always latched on properly, you don’t leave it too long between feeds, and your nutritional status is adequate (including good zinc levels), you’ll be less likely to suffer from these conditions.
Leaking breasts certainly present a challenge to intimacy, especially as this problem (which is often more about spraying than leaking) can also be triggered by sexual arousal. This is where a sense of humour (and some absorbent material!) is the best remedy. Some men even develop a taste for breast milk.
Body image
After childbirth, you may feel that your body looks and feels unattractive and isn’t sexy any more. This is partly to do with your own expectations of what makes someone sexually attractive and what you feel your partner’s attitude may be. It may also involve your partner’s expressed or apparent feelings on the matter.
Of course, many women regain their figure easily and fast. For others, there are more obvious changes. It’s natural to be different from your pre-pregnant state, and one of these differences may be increased weight. The breastfeeding period is not a good time for dieting, though if you eat and exercise sensibly, you may find that the kilos drop off and muscle tone returns quite quickly. However, many women don’t return to their pre-pregnancy weight until after they’ve weaned, as nature ensures they “keep a bit in the bank” while they are breastfeeding. If this is the case, make friends with your new body and learn to appreciate your voluptuous curves. Acceptance will come more easily if you are able to see how motherhood is part of sexuality and also if you had a positive attitude to your pregnancy and giving birth.
No more just yet!
Even if you haven’t resumed ovulating and menstruating yet and are presently unable to conceive, your fear of another pregnancy coming too soon could well inhibit your sexual response. In order to allay these fears, you need to have confidence in your contraception so you can relax and focus on regaining intimacy with your partner. Barrier methods of contraception are a better health choice than the Pill.
Your partner’s attitude
Your partner may have unresolved issues of his own that will only compound yours. His libido may be flagging too. Some men who have been actively involved in supporting their partner at the birth find themselves very affected by the experience. They feel strongly motivated to protect their spouse and may be afraid of causing discomfort or hurt. Other men find it difficult to relate to their partner as both a mother and a lover, and they may need to learn how to see both of these roles as manifestations of woman. Of course, if your partner seems to have lost interest in sex, for these or other reasons, your own doubts and fears will be reinforced.
It’s important to talk through the issues together and be patient with each other. You need to communicate your feelings, offer mutual support and agree on how and when you’ll resume sexual activity.
When and how to resume sex
When is really up to the two of you and how you feel. As for how, we can give you a few ideas. First, start off gently. There are many ways you can express yourselves sexually and sensually that don’t have to lead to or include intercourse. Sheila Kitzinger, social anthropologist and author of The New Experience of Childbirth, recommends that the first few sexual encounters should perhaps not include penetration. Second, when you do resume penetration, you’ll need lots of lubrication and foreplay. Third, experiment with position. Some counsellors advise avoiding the missionary position, as this causes pressure on the rear wall of the vagina, which may be sore. However, not everyone is sore in the same spot, so try some different angles (gently) to see which are most comfortable for you.
And relax! Worrying won’t change anything, except to make it worse. If you let it all unfold naturally, you can be confident you’ll be a fully functional sexual being again, in your own good time.
