Abuse is more prolific than we think. In many relationships people tolerate abuse as part of a trade off because they believe that they are in some way better off by remaining stuck in the situation. Often people are afraid to move on into the unknown so they tolerate the abusive partner or bully in their life. Another reason is that their self-esteem has usually been eroded so much that they may even feel they deserve the abuse in some way. Some people don’t even realise they are being abused.
Abuse is someone treating you in any way that has a bad effect on you. It can be emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually or energetically. Often it happens a number of times and can be cruel or violent. We are often more aware of domestic abuse or physical abuse when someone attacks another person in some way, however there are other forms of abuse such as living in the threat of violence.
Emotional abuse is often experienced by one partner of a relationship without even realising it. Often I get partners coming for a consultation saying that their partner would not allow them to spend money on their health or on themselves in some way that the other party does not approve. This is, in fact, abuse. Similarly, I see instances where one partner does not want to allow the other partner to see their friends or family. Again, this is a form of abuse, but it must be remembered that anyone who allows the other party to interfere so much in their boundaries is in some way allowing that abuse to happen.
Agreed it is not always easy to move on from long-term relationships where the abusive person is ‘loved’ still. The question is why one would love someone who abuses them? Yet people still do. Usually it is coming from a place of fear, not love, and the true meaning of love has somehow become twisted in the victim’s psychological makeup when they were growing up because their boundaries were invaded when they were children.
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That is not necessarily to say that all victims of abuse had bad parents. The parents or adults who invaded the boundaries were also probably coming from a place of fear in many instances and wanted to protect the child in some way. What these adult carers did not realise, however, was that their over-protection and control was actually teaching their child to be open to that from other people, who could misuse it. Often the child grows to an adult who picks an abusive partner who stifles them in some way.
Other forms of abuse are often more manipulative, such as the withholding of love or sex in a passive-aggressive manner. The opposite is sexual abuse, where one partner feels they must comply in the sexual relationship simply because they are married or have a love-type relationship. This is not a marriage and it is not love. It is abuse, even though many people go through the motions and don’t admit to it.
In extreme situations, the fear that goes with abuse can even go to the lengths where one partner protects the other and is aware of domestic abuse of perhaps the children without turning the other partner in. This makes them an accessory and simply because they are not strong enough to turn in their partner does not excuse their act. Add to this the verbal abuse of some people in arguments, where the abuser follows their partner around the house yelling at them, doesn’t allow them to go to sleep, is sarcastic and calls them names that put them down. By no stretch of the imagination are these relationships ones of love.
In these circumstances of abuse, it becomes important for people to know how to let go. Friends, relatives, therapists can all assist you to leave the abuser. If it is in a love relationship or domestic situation: move out. If it’s bullying at work: quit your job and take appropriate action legally. Ask for compensation – you deserve it. If you are a child or teenager reading this, then go to the proper authorities and get help. Talk about the abuse you are suffering. Never suffer in silence.
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Often the mistake is made that women are the only ones that get abused. It’s not true. Men suffer abuse also. Abuse comes from their bosses, who they stick with for fear of losing their jobs when they have a family to support; from their families who put too much burden on them as the man of the family; abuse from nasty, bitchy women who seem to have permanent PMT and make their men miserable. Ladies, if you can’t be nice to your man any more, then get out of the relationship. Don’t become the abuser.
Often abused, hostile parents take their abuse out on their children, unknowingly. They let fly in anger or snarl at them for the least little comment. I remember an incident I witnessed long before I became a therapist. I was about 17 travelling on a bus to Bondi, which was where I lived. It was many years ago but this incident is still fresh in my mind and even as I write this I can visualise it.
In this bus was a woman, who got on with her young child. He would have been about four or five years old. He had a small toy in his hand. One of those stick figures kids play with. Anyway they sat opposite me; the mum had a couple of parcels and the kid sat near the window. He was chatting away to his mother and she asked him to be quiet as she had a headache. The child went on playing with his toy and a few minutes later proceeded to walk the stick figure up his mum’s arm as part of his game. She turned round and slapped him so hard I thought he was going to fall off the seat. She snarled, “I told you to shut up”. She had slapped him across the face and the kid started crying of course. Now he was really loud – not much good for her headache. She went on yelling at him and hit him again, several times. This happened all because the child wanted to play. I have never forgotten this incident.
Abusive patterns are often hard to change. It may take a lot of therapy, soul searching and forgiveness of others and yourself for being an abuser. However, it can be changed and there is much help at hand. Seek help, become aware of how you act and don’t let this horrible pattern of abuse perpetuate to your children or others around you. Your corrective actions will bring healing and peace, not only to yourself but to others around you.
