A few months after the birth of one of our sons, my midwife asked me, “So what type of contraception are you going to use now?” I glanced at my husband, Simon, and laughed, “Abstinence! It’s really effective!”
Let’s be honest: how many couples with small children lose sight of their sex life due to fatigue? The answer is most. Similarly, many couples, even though their children are older and sleeping through the night, are still waving the “too tired” banner.
The demands of caring for a family, providing a double income and the pressure to succeed can cause many people to push themselves until they drop. Typically the first victim of their haste will be their sex life, closely followed by their health. As a health practitioner I know firsthand that many women feel so physically and emotionally depleted from the task of rearing children that having sex is the furthest thing from their minds. I can remember being so tired that I used to joke with Simon as I crawled into bed, “Honey, help yourself if you like but I am going to sleep.”
Most of us thrive on a little stress and in short bursts pressure can be stimulating and exciting. But when pressure is ongoing you tend to lose sight of your values. Writing your partner a love note, planning a date or simply daydreaming about sex disappear quickly from your agenda.
At this point you may start waving two banners: “Too tired” and “Not feeling appreciated”. Both sexes are guilty of believing that little house elves appear to clean the cars, put out the garbage, pay the bills, restock the fridge, fold clothes and pick up dog poo. Both sexes can overlook their partner’s contribution to the running of a household and forget to communicate and resolve problems when they arise.
When it comes to the issue of sex, it’s worth discussing because the quality of your life is reflected in the quality of your relationships.
Health benefits of sex
The good news is that focusing on your sex life is an investment in both your relationship and your health. Not only does it make you feel incredibly connected to your partner and create a happier household, a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association states the more sex you have, the more protected you are from sudden heart attack. Sex gets the blood pumping and releases a range of protective hormones including DHEA, endorphins and growth hormones. It also releases the “love hormone” oxytocins, which plays a role in bonding, sexual arousal and orgasm as well as reducing stress, promoting relaxation and encouraging restful sleep.
Sex gets even better for us as we age. The Journal of Cardiology found men who had sex once a month or less had a 45 per cent increased risk of cardiovascular disease. According to the Heart Foundation, menopausal women are also at increased risk of heart disease because of lower oestrogen levels — and sex releases oestrogen in the body.
Other studies show sex reduces damaging stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and those who have sex more than once or twice a week have higher levels of antibodies, protecting them from colds and flus. Furthermore, by releasing endorphins, sex has also been shown to reduce pain.
Who knew that something so much fun could blast kilojoules, keep us looking young and help us live longer? As Woody Allen said, “Sex is the most fun we can have without laughing.” So if you are feeling inspired, here are a few ideas on how to connect with your partner and inject some more of that fun in your life.
Restore your energy levels
Women often underestimate just how hard their bodies work, particularly during pregnancy or when nursing infants and caring for children. It is easy to underestimate the amount of energy required to grow and sustain a baby.
To thrive in today’s world, you need a well-adjusted nervous system, a diet of fresh, organic wholefoods rather than processed food, clean filtered water, lots of sweaty exercise, quality sleep and positive, happy thoughts.
Recruit help
Recruit a team that can help you — a nutritionist, a personal trainer, an organic grocer, to name a few. If you need a powerful energy boost, a visit to a Chinese Medicine practitioner may help. Chinese herbs can restore your energy levels as well as your primal libido. It’s also important to ask family or friends for help if you are tired so you can catch up on some rest.
Start with small acts
If moving straight back into regular sex feels too forced, start with small acts: rubbing your partner’s shoulders, doubling the number of hugs you give, kissing them on the neck or spontaneously holding their hand.
Even if you’re not ”doing it”, “talking about it” can help kick-start the process. Honest communication will invariably bring you closer to your loved one. Admit you might not be as emotionally connected as you would like and make sure your partner knows you are committed to the relationship, to discovering ways to make things work, and that you love him or her. These small loving acts and words, when said with heart-felt meaning, will help you both feel safe within the changing dynamics of the relationship.
Make time for romance
Life is always going to be busy but finding time to connect with your partner pays many dividends. Try to set aside time regularly for a special “date”. Plan ahead, organise a babysitter, or alternate babysitting with friends. If you feel your schedule is too overloaded for this, it can help to ask your partner to assess your weekly plans and activities as sometimes you get so immersed in the demands of your own life that you can’t see things objectively.
Keep learning
Strong relationships are dynamic; people are constantly changing and evolving and relationships need to be adjusted and nurtured accordingly. Before I had children, I met a woman who had separated from her husband after three decades of marriage. I asked her what had happened and she replied, “We just lost focus on each other. I decided my role was to concentrate on the kids, his was the business, and then when the kids had grown up I realised my best friend had gone too. Neither of us was more to blame than the other but we just took our friendship for granted and presumed that things would be okay.”
Some conversations change your life and for me that was one of them. So Simon and I decided that each year we’d do something to foster our relationship. While Simon was quick to suggest a tantric sex workshop, we also added relationship and communication courses to the list and the reading of specific books. One year we saw a Biame psychotherapist to learn the technique of active listening — a highly useful tool we use every day and have taught to our children.
There are many communication courses, books and CDs available. Some of my favourites are the Personal Effective Technique courses, the Dr John Demartini courses, Stephen Covey’s books and CDs, and the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.
There is no denying that life as a parent is demanding. Time constraints and household chores are never-ending and opportunities to express love can be few and far between. However, getting frisky can put more than a twinkle in your eye and spring in your step. Sex is one ritual in which you can truly connect with your partner and nurture each other.
Dr Jennifer Barham-Floreani is a mother of four, a chiropractor and a best-selling family health author. If you would like more extensive information on the above topics refer to her new book TicklishTicklishBook.com.
