How to find your perfect partner

“It was a Bridget Jones nightmare!” Jane* wailed. “I had to go to the wedding with my parents. It was a family wedding but still, I’m 36-years-old and I’m sharing a room with my parents for God’s sake! At the reception it’s obvious I’m single since I’m there on my own and these two guys asked me how old I was — a bit rude of them. But anyway, when I said I was 36 they laughed and replied, ‘You’re stuffed!’ I was so shocked I couldn’t speak.”

Singledom abounds with disaster stories like Jane’s and it’s not only women with such tales to tell. Jason, a warm, intelligent man who had just turned 40, said he was sick and tired of women’s eyes glazing over when they found out he wasn’t wealthy enough for them. “I’m not in banking or the stock market so they just aren’t interested. I’m convinced women are just gold diggers.”

Single people, both men and women, all complain about the continual question: “So have you met anyone yet?” They feel it implies their lives are obviously lacking and will be that way until they get a partner. Even if they do want someone in their lives, braving the dating scene to find that “right” person can feel like facing a potential minefield.

Men on women

“Women are up themselves.” This was David’s candid opinion on the fairer sex. A decent, funny and sociable guy, David said he was over the way women treated men. “What women don’t realise is that it takes guts to go up to a woman and start up a conversation. Women don’t have to do that. They get to swan around and wait to be asked.” At 40, David is little bitter about the singles game. “You should see how some women look at you when you go up to them. It’s like you’re a bit of scum stuck to their shoe. I’m OK with someone not wanting to talk to me, but there’s just no need for that superior attitude.”

David isn’t alone in his views. Single men report they become weary of rejection. Usually women don’t do the asking so they don’t have to deal with what is often a humiliating experience. After being rejected enough times it is understandable that a guy might decide to give up. “It’s just not worth it. My ego can only take so much,” said one man.

Women on men

“Men just judge you on your looks. It’s like some degrading contest,” said Jane. A male friend of mine concurred and observed it must be tiring for women to have to dress up so much. He agreed that if they didn’t, men would look at them in a demeaning way. As for women over 40, they may as well be invisible, said 41-year-old Mandy. “You don’t exist for men anymore.”

There are also complaints about younger women who are “too forward” and don’t wait to be approached by a man. These women are supposedly “snapping up” any available men. So it’s a dog-eat-dog meat market out there. It’s enough to make you want to settle down under the doona with your pooch and a good book rather than girding your loins for battle. And to top it all off, it’s still cool for a man to be a bachelor while single women are social pariahs. Some cultural attitudes are incredibly slow to change.

Dating dilemmas

Both sexes complain that it is harder to meet people as you get older. There are less outings because unlike in their 20s, older people are busy with more demanding work commitments and don’t go out every night of the week. Also, a lot of people are in couples and become involved in family life with less time available for their single friends.

None of the single people I meet begrudge couples their situation; it just means there are fewer opportunities for meeting new people through friends. And most singles are completely over going to bars, which they describe as meat markets where you stand around drinking and trying to make small talk over music that is too loud. “I don’t want to meet the kind of guys that hang out at bars. They’re not my type,” said Jane.

This brings us to the most common problem voiced by singles: where do you go to meet like-minded people? “I reckon matchmaking’s got something to be said for it,” said Jane. “To have someone in the community with lots of contacts who can match likely candidates together — we just don’t find each other otherwise.” Sandra had a similar opinion. “I think it was easier in the old days when people would formally introduce you to others.” It seems there was a structure for meeting people back then that isn’t available now and we suffer as a result. People get involved in the relatively closed community of their work life and there isn’t enough cross-pollination that goes on where people can meet someone they wouldn’t otherwise bump into.

The end result is loneliness. Both sexes report this is the worst part of their single status. These are independent individuals with engaging work lives but, as Simon said, at the end of the day it would still be nice to have someone to come home to. Women say the same thing. “I’d just like someone to talk things through and share things with,” was Jane’s view.

What lies beneath

Despite men and women looking at each other distrustfully at times, both want the same thing — a companion who they can talk to and share the ups and downs of life with. Both want a relationship with someone who is real and who they can be human with.

Both men and women admit to me they try and package themselves to meet the expectations of the opposite sex and both complain that this gets exhausting. Having to amp yourself up and act like you’ve “got it going on” can lead some to give up meeting people all together.

The result of everyone putting on a front is that you never know whom you are meeting because everyone is presenting a particular version of themselves. Whether they project themselves as sexy, savvy or successful, it’s a skewed version of reality. It leads both sexes to complain that everyone seems “together” with no frailties or vulnerabilites. This erodes their self-esteem because they feel like they are the only ones with any insecurities.

The problem is that everyone is so busy trying to appear cool that they forget that other “cool” person across the room is human like them and is putting on a similar act. So rule number one: remember that everyone is putting on a front to some degree and everyone is human with their own combination of weaknesses.

The second important rule to remember is: it’s not personal. So many single people come to me feeling defeated after someone they met never called back or else didn’t follow up after a first date. I actually had someone give up on ever finding love because someone they met didn’t give a clear message that they were interested. But neither did she! Two scared people waiting for the other to give the signal – that’s a guaranteed stalemate. The trouble here is that people are making it personal when it’s not.

If someone doesn’t want to go out with you it doesn’t reflect on you. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. There will be people you don’t want to continue with and others who feel the same about you. Sometimes this will be mutual and sometimes one way. None of this reflects on anyone’s worth or attractiveness. It is just about the combination of energies. You are not being rejected; the combination of you and that person is being rejected. That you do not meet with someone else’s preferences says something about their preferences and nothing about you. Get this and you will save yourself a lot of heartache. Below are three steps that can help you build a healthy attitude toward dating.

No 1: don’t settle

Some people who come to see me have tales of dreadful dating experiences. For example Mandy had a habit of going out with men who treated her appallingly. They would go off with other women then come back to her with apologies and promises only to repeat the same behaviour soon after. What was amazing was that Mandy would keep on being available for such treatment. The guy would call her up and despite previous promises to herself to the contrary she would end up going out with him again.

It is a useful exercise to go back over your dating and relationship history and see if there are any patterns. Be frank with yourself. Have you been seeing people who appreciate you or do you accommodate bad behaviour? If you are the type of person who is looking for a permanent commitment but is hanging around with someone who calls you on a casual basis then you are settling for second best. You will need to sort out why you put up with such treatment.

It is wise to reject an inappropriate partner sooner rather than later. Some people may feel that it is better to have someone rather than no one, but that’s a pretty dubious life choice to make. Being alone is hard but so is an awful relationship — they can take a lot of effort to get out of and you can still experience loneliness when you are with someone whom you don’t really love or whom you bicker with all the time.

I have seen many clients who found that when they put a stop to a bad relationship the right person then came along. It is like the universe testing you. It’s asking: “So, do you believe that you deserve to be treated well?” “Yes,” you answer. “So, will you have the courage of this conviction and stop seeing that jerk?” “Oh, well … um …” If you don’t follow through then you are setting yourself up to be treated poorly. It’s the message you will be unconsciously putting out and people will pick up on it and act accordingly.

It is an important process to say “no” to something that isn’t good enough. It strengthens your will and self-esteem so that you are clear that you deserve better. Of course this can be hard to do. I remember years ago I had been hanging out with a man who was fun and had charisma but he was a “player” and definitely bad relationship material. It was tough but I knew I had to close the door on him in order for another door to open. A couple of months afterwards I met my current partner. Tell yourself you don’t want crumbs and then you are more likely to receive the whole package.

As you let go of someone who is bad for you, you also need to decide what type of person would be good for you. Many single people say that physical appearance is important and the first thing they look at but if I ask them whether their married friends are going out with Mr Universe or Miss World they quickly acknowledge this is not the case. Dorky, daggy and plain looks can mask a fabulous character.

Sandra, a HR manager, had come to realise she was attracted to powerful, charismatic men but these were exactly the ones who treated her badly. When she thought about it, power and charisma were not really the things she wanted in a long-term relationship. She wanted someone more sensitive and caring. In order to meet this kind of person she had to speak to men she normally wouldn’t and she had to wait a little longer for their beauty to become apparent. As she did so, she found that she was beginning to notice a lot of men she hadn’t seen before. She was beginning to be attracted to a whole different sort of person.

No 2: develop your skills

“I am not going to join a singles website or go to a singles event. They are for losers and for people who are desperate.” This was Jane talking — and Jason and Sandra and David. But staying home alone was not helping their situation. Dating services may be the contemporary equivalent of old-fashioned matchmakers but I don’t recommend people use them to meet someone. Your chances of success are minimal and so many people misrepresent themselves, especially on websites. However, there are other things to be gained by using these services such as:

It keeps you socially active so you stay practised at meeting a variety of people.

Constantly meeting different people makes it no longer a big deal and takes the pressure off when you do meet someone new.

You get to hone your “jerk radar”. You develop discernment and quickly distinguish appropriate people. Treat it like research — it’s a great way to study human nature. And again, treating it like research relieves the pressure.

You get to practise being yourself. After awhile you get over having to “package” yourself and learn to just be the real you. Then you are likely to draw in someone who is attracted to this and not to the front you construct.

You might make new friends. I suggest people go to such events for friendship, not to meet a partner. Then you know the people will be single and up for going out, unlike your married friends.

It can get you over the hurdle of recovering from past hurts. If you don’t take it too seriously it just gets you out and about again if you’ve been hiding away.

No 3: give up

This step sounds rather paradoxical. It involves giving up on getting into a relationship. If that’s all you concentrate on it puts out an unconscious message of desperation and people won’t be attracted to this. Keep going out but make the creation of an interesting and fulfilling life your priority. Meeting someone should be the icing on the cake not the whole cake!

Become a whole person. There are plenty of “half” people out there in relationships with other “half” people and those relationships aren’t healthy. They are needy, dysfunctional and impede both people’s growth. Become truly OK with being independent. If you are vital and creative then life is already enjoyable. If it happens that someone interesting gets pulled into this orbit then that’s great. It will make for a unique and dynamic connection. It will just take some adjusting to fit this person into your busy lifestyle!

*Identities have been changed to protect confidentiality.

Cynthia is a psychologist working in private practice in Melbourne, Australia. Contact her on 0417 103 018 or visit her website www.cynthiahickman.net.