“There are two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.” — Hodding Carter
A child develops best when they know they are loved and supported. Supported as they make their own choices and loved through the ups and downs. They need to feel supported as they make decisions that feel right in their heart and as they learn to follow their intuition — the inner voice that comes from spirit. Their ability to listen to their intuition ensures they will be led along their chosen path with ease and grace.
“Every human being is intended to have a character of his own; to be what no other is, and to do what no other can do.” — Edward Hubbell Chapin
Toddler to teen
The years between toddler and teen are important for nurturing uniqueness and allowing a child to believe in their thoughts, dreams and abilities. Every child is unique and will automatically gravitate towards that which interests them. This comes easy to children because they listen to their heart. They follow what feels right and without having to think about it, they choose interests that resonate with who they are as a person. If the door is left open for them, they will follow their interests and move confidently through life.
Everyone has a personal sacred contract they are here to fulfil. The answer to your life purpose is always within you and the path to it depends on seeking guidance from your higher self. Giving your child this information early on and allowing them to follow their own heart, listen to their inner guidance for direction and embrace their life purpose is the most wonderful thing you can give them.
Embracing challenge
In her book The Seven Sacred Flames, Aurelia Louise Jones states, “Ultimately, your life is your own journey and no matter how much assistance is offered, no one can assume your journey for you.”
Too many rules and restrictions, and frequently telling your child what they should and shouldn’t do, create a self-deflating set of values within, values that say “I can’t do it by myself. I can’t make good choices. Others know what’s best for me”. At some point life will collapse around them and they will realise they are not living their dream or doing what makes them happy. They will find themselves off centre from their life purpose and will need to discover what is true in their own heart.
You learn through challenges so even if you think a certain decision is not good for your child, consider whether they are following their heart. If your child knows beyond a doubt that they need to do something, they probably should do it. This could be one of the most significant moments for them and a major learning experience. It may work out or they may get hurt, but how else will they learn they don’t like getting hurt and decide to do things differently next time?
Personal life challenges help you grow and strengthen your inner power. With your blessing and support, your child will feel safe following their heart and listening to their intuition. They will know that even if the road gets rocky, you will be there to comfort and support them and help pick up the pieces.
A new understanding
In past generations, children were shown how and when to do things by family, teachers, peers, elders, media and society and ended up living their lives the way others told them to. It wasn’t wrong, it was just the way it was done back then. For this generation it can be different. It’s time to let your children follow their path with universal knowledge and wisdom as their guide. It’s time for earth’s children to make their own choices and to follow their thoughts, ideas and feelings towards ultimate happiness and fulfilment.
In Deepak Chopra’s book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents, he talks about the law of pure potentiality. “Within everyone is the seed of creativity that can grow in any direction. Nothing limits us except ourselves.” He goes on to say that “by connecting with our source we activate all possibilities in daily life. Being in touch with the field of all possibilities means that you experience self-referral — that is, you look within for guidance. Self-referral brings fulfillment of the spirit that cannot be achieved by material success. The reason we want success is to reach our potential for happiness and wisdom, not just our potential to earn and acquire.”
Chopra wants parents to teach their children to look within themselves for guidance. To connect with their higher self, which knows the answers and can guide them towards happiness, contentment and personal success.
Helping your kids to help themselves
Teach them about life
Do you know why you are here? What does life mean to you? Share your philosophies with your children and invite them to find out more for themselves. Encourage them to open their minds to new ideas and accept the information that feels right in their heart. Introduce them to life’s helpers which include angels, spirit guides, power animals, ascended masters and Source (God, Buddha, Allah etc). Teach them how to ask for guidance and how to listen for and follow the messages they receive.
Let them choose
When possible, let your child decide. When they make a good decision, tell them “you make good decisions” or “congratulations on choosing what felt right for you”. It empowers a child to hear the choice they made was a good one. By the age of four, children are quite capable of choosing their own clothes and managing their time. Let them know what you expect of them within a certain time period, but let them decide in what order to proceed. At all times affirm with positive feedback their ability to take responsibility for themselves. “Wow, you got ready all by yourself and chose beautiful clothes. You must feel really proud of yourself.”
Encouraging individuality
Let them wear that crazy outfit. Show delight in their eccentric artwork. Help them appreciate their own style and creativity by showing interest and enjoying whatever they create. Who cares if they look different? Don’t teach them to judge themselves, help them to love their unique sense of choice and style. Foster confidence in your children and encourage individualism.
Fostering good morals and communication
Being polite and respecting others are wonderful qualities, as are the more spiritual qualities of patience, love and grace. Teach your children to treat other people as they would want to be treated and remember that children learn from your example. If your patience lapses or you find yourself raising your voice, step back, take a breath and explain to your child, “I’m sorry for yelling. Mummy has had a big day and lost her patience for a little while. I’m going to take a deep breath and try again.”
It’s ok to show emotion to children and for them to be emotional with you. However, they need to know that gentle communication is what you aim for. When you’re angry you need to take time to calm down and come back to a space where you can speak to each other with love. If you say something negative or offensive, stop and say, “That didn’t sound very nice, let me rephrase that.”
You are loved
Love is the most wonderful feeling in the world. When you feel loved, you feel you can do anything. When children feel loved it makes them feel special. It helps them move forward and explore their interests and conquer their fears. You can show your children you love them by holding them, telling them, listening to them and spending quality time with them every day. Even if you never received that sort of attention, it’s ok to start learning how to offer love to your child. The more you give them love, the more your heart will grow. The more it grows, the more love you will have to give.
Know your feelings
In her best-selling book Ask And It Is given, Esther Hicks teaches that understanding our emotions leads us to joy: “By paying attention to the way you feel, you can fulfil your reason for being here. By understanding your emotional connection to who you really are, you will come to understand not only what is happening in your own world and why, but you will also understand every other living being with whom you interact. You will understand — from a very deep level, from your broader non-physical perspective, and through your own personal physical experience — everything about who you are, who you have been and who you are becoming.”
When children are allowed to experience their feelings and follow those that make them feel good, you give them the personal freedom and joy that Esther talks about.
Mistakes are opportunities to learn
Everybody makes mistakes. In fact, a mistake offers the opportunity to learn and choose a different method the next time round. Help your child to understand that a mistake is simply a stepping-stone to their own perfection.
Building trust
Every time you interact with your child you have the opportunity to build trust in your relationship. By allowing them to make decisions and offering them a shoulder to cry on when they make mistakes, you are showing them you trust and support them on their journey. Instead of saying “I told you so” when things go wrong, help your child understand what happened. “Tell me what happened; how did that make you feel; what are you going to do; what will you do differently if that happens again.” Give them something positive to move forward with. “I’m sorry you had to experience that. Let me help you think about what you learned from this situation and make a plan for next time. I am so proud of you.”
Show them how to go within for guidance
Whenever you have an opportunity to teach life skills to your child, take it. If you are currently in the process of creating something in your life or seeking guidance, include your child in your process. Show them how you meditate, affirm, take steps towards your dreams, visualise and pray, and then how you let go and let God guide you.
Listen for signs
Guidance from within comes in many forms. Some children will have a knowing about something or they may hear a suggestion in their mind. They may have a recurrent thought or keep hearing something on the radio or news or from friends. Help your child to listen for their messages by showing them when and how you get your guidance. Teach them about synchronicity and the importance of following that which guides them. Share your spiritual process with your child but never forcefully; instead, explain to them that this works for you and they are welcome to try it if it feels right.
Make time for your children
To really know what is going on in your child’s life they need to feel safe enough with you to talk about it. In the book The Happy Child Guide by Dr. Blaise Ryan and Ashley Ryan, the importance of making time to play and listen to your children is discussed.
“In order to become the parents we really want to be, we must first learn to listen to our children … children need us to un-busy ourselves in order to provide them with the full attention they need and deserve. In our hectic lives it can be hard to provide this focused time to our children, but your children do need this full attention time with you if they are to grow to their full potential.
“It‘s interesting to note that when children are given full attention during their play, they are able to stay focused on their play for long periods of time, and learn very rapidly. Another interesting benefit of giving your children your full attention is that they will also use this time when they have your full attention to show you how they are really doing and feeling … so for parents who feel disconnected from their children … or who feel like their children don‘t share information about their day at school or daycare … it‘s during these moments of full attention during play that they will divulge events that really affected them or made them think.”
Children are your teachers
Your children will offer you the opportunity to grow and change. They create situations you haven’t had to deal with before and you will have to learn new ways to cope with them. During this process there are a few things you can do.
1. Be aware of your own needs
Allowing your child to make their own choices may uncover some unresolved feelings about your own childhood. Be aware of your feelings and when it may be time for you to heal old wounds or seek counsel.
2. Open your mind to new possibilities
Watching your child do something different and seeing that their way works too is wonderful for both parties. Let them know they have taught you something new and that you might give it a try next time.
3. No mistakes
If you become angry or find yourself controlling your child, stop, breathe and realise you are human. Go within and ask your higher self for another way to tackle the situation and follow your intuition. Remember, all parents make mistakes and what matters is being mindful enough to make amends and get yourself back to a place that feels good in your heart.
4. Take time out for yourself every day
Incorporating time to connect with your higher self through meditation, relaxation, breathing and prayer and taking care of your health and wellbeing will help you parent from a space of love and mindfulness. When you take time to be at one with yourself every day, life runs smoothly. Your strong connection with spirit will guide you towards happiness and fulfillment for you and your family — and that’s a beautiful place to be.
Dr Joanne Mensforth is a holistic life coach and mindful parenting educator. Her passion is to guide parents on the issues of parenting from the heart. www.joannemensforth.com
