I am clinging to a rock wall in the Blue Mountains, tears streaming down my face. You might think my distress comes from a fear of falling 20 metres down the cliff-face (though my sturdy safety equipment promises otherwise). In truth, my panic-stricken sobs come from a deep disappointment in myself; I don’t know if I can climb any further.
Full disclaimer: I am not an experienced rock climber. Earlier this year, I joined my boyfriend and his friends on their annual climbing trip to the Blue Mountains to “give it a go”. But it turns out these climbs are not designed for first timers, no matter how determined you might be. As I gripped the sandstone and looked up at the challenging problem, I realised I didn’t have the strength nor skillset to reach the top of the climb. A deep sense of failure washed over me.
I wasn’t good enough.
I’ve just relayed this anecdote over Zoom to Katie O’Donoghue, relationships coach and inner child specialist at The Indigo Project, after she asked me to share a recent challenge I had experienced and how it affected me emotionally. Once I wrapped up my story, Katie caught onto that last phrase — “I wasn’t good enough” — and probed a little deeper. Eventually, we discovered
I learnt this belief in my early years and it has since shaped my fear of failure and tendency for perfectionism as an adult. My reaction to perceived failure as a 24-year-old was the direct result of an inner child wound.
“Each of us has a child within, a younger version of ourselves who created our core material. This includes our earliest beliefs and feelings about ourselves, others and the world around us,” says Katie. “Many of your beliefs emerge from interactions with your caregivers in the first few years of life. Unless you explore your core material, everything in life will get filtered through it and you’ll keep repeating patterns that are wired deep in your subconscious mind.”
For most people, childhood consists of both positive and negative experiences, which help to cultivate your character. But if an event from your developmental years negatively affected you, you might continue to carry this emotional wound and attached belief into your adult life. These inner child wounds can cause you to revert to the familiar behaviour patterns you used as a child, showing up whenever you feel distressed, pressured or overwhelmed. In my case, I resorted to crying as a form of releasing my frustration.
“Since it was your inner child who formed your core material — which consists of early beliefs, fears, desires, feelings, ways of relating to others and more — the best way to change that core material is by going back to revisit those early experiences and becoming conscious of the connections they have to your present-day life,” Katie clarifies. “By doing this, you can change your way of relating in the present, to yourself and to others. Equally, this means realising you are responsible for yourself as an adult — for managing your feelings and needs and realising that others have that same privilege too.”
When Katie probed deeper into my feelings of inadequacy, she asked challenging questions that pushed me to unearth where my perfectionism stemmed from. When did you first feel like you had to do a “good enough” job? Vivid memories of tiny black jazz shoes, sequinned leotards, the familiar rattle of a hairspray can and bright stage lights came to mind. My parents enrolled me in my local dance studio when
I was just three years old and dance has been an integral and beautiful part of my life ever since. But frequent concerts and
dance examinations also created the ingrained belief that one wrong foot (literally) could mean failure. And when I did make a mistake onstage or couldn’t master a move in class, I remember feeling a deep sense of embarrassment, guilt at letting down my classmates and disappointment in my ineptitudes.
Whenever I experience a similar situation as an adult, such as facing the mental and physical struggle of rock climbing, my inner child comes out to play. “You develop a survival strategy to protect yourself from similar situations in the future and that’s how this all manifests,” Katie explains. “We forget about the experience, but because the beliefs and fears are still lying in our subconscious, we carry them through our daily life as an adult. We don’t know why we can’t speak up or make choices, and it’s because of maybe one experience that you went through in your childhood that created a belief within you. This belief is then strengthened by similar experiences as you grow up. So, inner child work is all about connecting the dots.”
Over the course of our Zoom call, Katie charts my present-day challenges and links them back to specific moments in my youth. For instance, my tendency to people please arises from a stint of playground bullying, where I learnt that speaking up and protecting myself in a moment of conflict only leads to feelings of discomfort and fear. What’s more, Katie helps me realise that my inability to make the simplest of decisions comes from my perfectionism, as I often agonise about making the wrong choice and, therefore, making a mistake. Slowly, connections began to materialise, creating a complete image, like a “join the dots” picture that slowly reveals itself.
Once we have uncovered my inner child wounds, the session’s focus shifts to healing. According to Katie, there are three distinct ways to begin nurturing your inner child.
Learn to self-accept
“The more you reject yourself, the more exhausted you will become. Self-acceptance is about accepting all parts of you — your feelings, your needs and your desires. It’s about understanding that you will have parts of yourself that are difficult or feel embarrassing, but those are the parts that need all the more love and care,” says Katie. “It’s about seeing yourself as fully human and letting go of the inner voice that learnt how to shame and criticise the self.”
There is an abundance of nourishing ways to bring self-acceptance into your daily life. Start by carving out time to meditate once a day by settling down with a 10-minute guided meditation that inspires positivity and self-awareness. Keeping a gratitude journal is another beneficial way to incorporate self-acceptance, as is surrounding yourself with a strong support system and dedicating time to relaxing with your partner, close friends or family.
Incorporate more play and “me” time
“Give yourself permission to do the things that you enjoyed in your earlier years. Just because you are an adult now does not mean that you need to let go of your passions or favourite hobbies. What brought you joy? What made you feel good? Once you find those answers, go do more of that,” Katie advises.
5 signs you have an inner child wound
- You show traits of perfectionism and often feel like you are “not good enough”.
- You are an overachiever or strive to always achieve the best possible result.
- It’s difficult to express certain emotions or ask for things.
- You are unable to set boundaries with ease and without guilt.
- In certain scenarios, you easily feel “bad” or like a burden.
Learn to strengthen your inner adult
“When healing your inner child, it’s important to remember that a lot of it is about self-management: regulating your perception, emotions and thoughts,” says Katie. “In other words, being able to catch yourself when you’re in a negative space and learning to bring out your inner adult to help you re-centre, rationalise and view things from another perspective.”
One way to do this is by challenging your inner child’s thoughts to rewire your beliefs. At the end of our session, Katie gently encourages me to put a positive spin on my perceptions: “You thought you failed the climb, but did you really? Some people might not even be able to start the climb, so the fact you got halfway up is an achievement.”
Following these tips and nurturing your inner child doesn’t just help you heal your relationship with yourself. It can also positively impact your relationships with others, both platonic and romantic. “In your relationships you will attract those who will activate your deepest emotional issues. It doesn’t matter who the person is — a friend, a colleague or a partner. Your triggers will show up because they are yours to work through. They are yours to heal,” Katie explains.
“Many of your beliefs emerge from interactions with your caregivers in the first few years of life. Unless you explore your core material, everything in life will get filtered through it and you’ll keep repeating patterns that are wired deep in your subconscious mind.”
“But unless you turn inwards, heal your wounds and change your patterns, you’ll continue to experience the same relationship challenges over and over again, in different ways and with different people. Like a broken compass leading you in the wrong direction, you’ll find yourself living a life that isn’t going exactly where you want it to go and in relationships that simply don’t feel ‘right’,” she adds.
My foray into inner child healing has launched me on a journey of self-realisation, boosted my confidence and given me the tools to strengthen my “inner adult”. On my most recent climbing trip, we trekked through steady rainfall to reach a wide wall marked with white chalk and bolts. By now, I have learnt to trust my harness and the rope to catch me and I’m no longer fearful of the imposing height. I merely had to focus on challenging my thoughts and relinquishing my perfectionism. As my fingers grazed the rock, I told myself that it was okay if I only made it halfway, releasing any expectations and creating a new story of success. While I only reached the three-quarter point, I no longer felt a crushing sense of failure or frustration. Instead, I gave myself a permission slip to let go and accept my effort as an achievement worthy of celebration. As Katie says: “When you cultivate a nurturing, safe and loving relationship with your inner child, it is all reflected in the world around you.”
Kayla Wratten is a Brisbane-based journalist. When her head isn’t stuck in a good book, you’ll find her on the yoga mat, in a dance class or crafting inspiring stories. Find her on Instagram at @kaylawratten
