The green-eyed monster. We have all met this foe at some point in our lives. It is part of the human condition to feel jealousy, and yet those of us who find ourselves face to face with our green-eyed friend can be racked with shame and guilt. But just as every story needs a bad guy, jealousy is part of our narrative so we can overcome the obstacles necessary to warrior up and become our best selves.
What is jealousy
Jealousy may be defined by feelings of anger or bitterness that we don’t have someone else’s possessions or qualities. It’s a state of being suspicious or fearful. Possessiveness and fear sit at the heart of it, whether it’s fearl about judgement, being replaced or the threat of a third party taking someone or something we love.
Psychology of jealousy
Research suggests that low self-esteem, neuroticism (the tendency towards negative emotions), possessiveness and fear of abandonment are key triggers of jealousy. However, many psychologists agree that jealousy is not necessarily a negative emotion but rather a wake-up call to address something deeper. It may signal that a valued relationship needs attention or that a deeper insecurity must be acknowledged to foster a happier life.
The yogic perspective
The state of yoga is an experience of wholeness. Nothing is missing and you are missing nothing. So, by its very nature, yoga and jealousy cannot coexist. When we practise yoga, we start to unravel the binding nature of envy. Sadhana (practice) addresses the causes and triggers of jealousy, working with our self-esteem, covetousness and fear. And yogic tools are there to assist us pade pade (step by step) in becoming whole again, remembering who we are beyond external validation.
Svadhyaya
Yoga, like psychology, views jealousy as an opportunity for self-discovery. One of the niyamas (ethical practices) prescribed by Patanjali in Yoga Sutras is svadhyaya (self-study). Svadhyaya involves not only studying yogic texts but also observing our inner workings and tendencies. Negative emotions, such as jealousy, serve a purpose — they provide crucial insights into areas where we need to change to achieve more peace in our lives. For instance, seeing someone excel on social media might make you feel that you could achieve similar success if only you had more resources or chose a diff erent path. This jealousy might be highlighting where you’re not taking action, pushing you to stop procrastinating and overcome your fear of failure. Alternatively, if you feel triggered every time your partner spends time with their best friend, it might indicate a need to work on trust and self-worth. Ultimately, it may require cultivating more faith — trusting that the universe has our back and that there will always be enough for everyone.
Possessiveness and desire
In the second pada of Yoga Sutras, Patanjali identifies the kleshas (afflictions) as the significant obstacles to yoga. One such affliction, Raga (undue attachment), refers to our tendency to cling tightly to the things and people we love. We invest all our prana (energy) into not losing these attachments, thereby diverting energy that could be used to attain deeper, everlasting joy and peace through yogic practice. While it’s perfectly fine to enjoy things like avocado, chocolate, family and friends, believing that we cannot survive without them inevitably leads to suffering. A powerful way to start addressing Raga is by noticing where your desire comes from, as this is the root of possessiveness. Observe how you constantly crave certain things — coffee, sugar, success, sex. After obtaining one thing and feeling momentary satisfaction, you quickly move on to the next.
Understanding how desire operates within you and observing how swiftly you gravitate towards things you like and away from those you don’t is crucial. This understanding is the first step to loosening our grip on attachments.
Loosing the grip – Aparigraha
One of the yamas (ethical practices) Patanjali suggests we practise is aparigraha (nonpossessiveness/ non-grasping). He suggests that by relinquishing our tight grasp on things, we gain clarity about our purpose in this precious life. Holding on tightly drains our prana, our life force, making it difficult to focus on what truly matters. Consider the hours wasted in jealousy, where our attention fixates on others instead of our own path. Instead of endlessly scrolling through your ex’s Instagram feed, invest that time in meditation, taking a walk, or updating your resume — actions that propel you towards your ideal life and partner. Are you directing your time and energy towards fulfilling your purpose? If not, where and how can you redirect your efforts?
Reflecting on our dharma (purpose) could lead to a happier existence, alleviating the fear of loss and fostering a deeper sense of meaning. By prioritising our life’s calling, we cultivate a sense of fulfillment, steering clear of resentment towards others and embracing a life rich in significance.
External Validation
Jealousy often stems from a sense of inadequacy within ourselves. The more we rely on external sources to validate our worth, the more hollow we end up feeling. Pinning our fulfillment solely on transient entities — be it accomplishments, relationships or possessions — inevitably leads to disappointment. Yet, this tendency is all too human.
Yoga serves as a pathway to reconnect with our immutable essence, transcending the fluctuations of the external world. Through dedicated practice (sadhana), we tap into the reservoir of inherent goodness that resides within us, beyond the limitations of mind, body and senses. Redirecting our prana towards this inner wellspring allows us to experience profound fulfillment, rather than chasing ephemeral highs of external approval.
You are enough
Once we become aware of our wholeness, the things and people we love will simply add to our lives, not dictate our mental and emotional state. Fear dissipates and we enjoy things more, not less. In this way, we become impermeable to envy because there is nothing outside of ourselves that can make us truly happy. Only what is inside us can. You are whole. You are enough. The yoga practice will remind you of that.
Abhinivesa
It is said that all fear comes from the last klesha, abhinivesa (fear of death). Fear sits firmly in the driver’s seat of jealousy. Whether fear of losing someone, fear of failure or fear of not being enough, facing it head on is the best way to eradicate it. Sometimes addressing our fears in a small way is the best place to start.
If the fear is around losing someone, take little steps in fostering non-attachment. If it’s around failing, can you do something small where the risk is minimal, so you flex that muscle to possibly fail and bounce back? There are times, however, when no matter how hard we try to loosen our grip or work with fear, it feels impossible. This is where gratitude, faith and trust come in.
Santosha
Another of the niyama Patanjali invites us to engage is santosha (contentment). A powerful way to practise this, which has plenty of scientific research to back up its profound effects, is gratitude. Doing a gratitude practice can interrupt obsessive negative thoughts like jealousy and replace them with dopamine and serotonin, giving our brain all the feel-good chemicals we need. When we are grateful for what we have, we are more content. When we are steeped in santosha, Pantajali tells us, we will feel supreme joy. Not the fleeting, external validation type, but deep, longlasting happiness.
Faith
“Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really, we just don’t know. When things fall apart and we’re on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretise.” – Pema Chodron
Jealousy can spring from a feeling of lack, that we are not enough or that there’s not suffi cient abundance for everyone. If she wins, then I can’t. When the reality is, there is always enough. Both Yoga Sutra and Bhagavad Gita focus on the importance of having shraddha (faith). Faith says: “What is not for you, is not for you.” It’s that simple. You are better off putting your prana into what is for you, rather than resenting someone else. Use yogic practice to build your capacity to build trust – you are enough, there will always be enough and if it’s right for you, it’ll come your way. If not, it never was. Faith means trusting in the unknown. We don’t know why things don’t always go our way. We also don’t know what’s around the corner. There may be something even better coming our way.
Taking a leap of faith
If introspection reveals that adjustments are necessary to align your life with your purpose, it’s time to shift focus from envying others to taking decisive action. Perhaps, beyond grappling with fear and self-esteem issues lies the straightforward necessity of taking a leap of faith.
In the yoga mythology, the story of Hanuman shows us the power of this leap. He had a great love for his best friend, Rama. Rama was in love with Sita, who had been kidnapped and taken to another continent. Instead of tying his energy up in being jealous of their relationship, Hanuman showed his devotion to Rama by leaping continents to save Sita. He was tireless in his eff orts. The Hanuman story asks you to consider who you love, how you honour them, and what you would do for them. And it tells us that, sometimes we must take a great leap of faith — instead of drowning in jealousy.
Rather than being bad news, maybe jealousy is the best possible news. It wakes us up and encourages us to love more, be stronger, have more gratitude, discover we are whole, and directs our energy where it needs to be in order to follow our true path.
Practise
A heart-opening and gratitude practice, fi nishing with some forward folding for introspection and pulling back into our centre.
Virabhadrasana 1
Set feet a good distance apart, heel-to-heel alignment or hip width. Front knee over heel and back leg extended. Reach the arms up connecting palms or hands apart. Square the ribs. Climb sternum up, lengthen buttocks down. Take five breaths and swap sides.
Bhujangasana
Lying on your stomach with your feet hip-width apart, slide hands in line with bottom ribs so elbows are above wrists. Hug elbows into side body. Press the backs of the feet down, especially the little toes. Hug the outer hips in. Send the buttocks back towards the heels and hug the naval towards the spine. Pull on the earth with the palms, sending the heart centre of the chest forward. Slide shoulder blades down the back. Keep your neck long and take five conscious breaths.
Shalabhasana
Lying on your stomach with your feet hip-width apart, slide hands behind the back and interlace fingers. Lift your shoulder, reach wrists and buttocks back, and stretch feet back until they float off earth. Take fi ve
breaths and release.
Dhanurasana
Lying on your stomach with your feet hip-width apart, bend knees and catch ankles, pressing feet into ankles and descend thighs down as sternum lifts up. Five breaths and release.
Ustrasana
Kneeling, feet hip-width apart, hips over knees, place hands on lower back, climb sternum up. If there is ease, reach back to grab heels. Take fi ve breaths and return to kneeling.
Pashchimottonasana
Sit with legs out in front of you. Keep spine long as you fold forward over the legs. Legs active. Take 10 breaths.
Gratitude meditation
Choose a comfortable seat. Bring your awareness into your physical body, noticing the quality of your body and breath. Keep your focus to the breath. Watching the inhale and exhale. Don’t modify the breath. Allow it to be natural. As you inhale, think of the word “thanks” or “gratitude”. And exhale, thinking of the name of someone you love. See them happy and free. Send love and gratitude. Start with those close to you. And then as you move to the next person, notice the circle widen. Sit for five minutes or longer. Shift all your awareness, all your focus, into the heart space.
How does it feel?
