How cultivating a neutral relationship with your body offers a more easeful way to relate to your body image
In the warmer months, we often focus on how our bodies look and how to get into “shape”. Negative body judgements can arise as well as a desire to “fix” perceived flaws. You may find yourself searching for solutions to the imagined problem that is your body. Instead of falling into the trap of believing you need to change how your body looks, I encourage you to be curious about how to change the way you relate to your body.
Rather than being critical of yourself, I invite you to be critical of the unhelpful messages we are bombarded with from the media and our culture that are often internalised unknowingly (hello, “not good enough” beliefs). Turning towards your body with neutrality rather than judgement may be an unfamiliar path, but it is one that may lead to less suffering and greater ease.
Understanding body neutrality
According to clinical psychologist Holly Dumbell, who specialises in supporting people with body-image difficulties and eating disorders, body neutrality is “the middle path between self-love and self-hate”. “It’s not about loving or even liking how your body looks, but also not about judging and criticising it. It’s shifting the focus from what your body looks like to what your body does for you or allows you to do. It’s about respect, acceptance and gratitude for your body, and learning to believe that you are more than what your body looks like,” Holly explains. “Our bodies are not problems that need to be fixed. It’s often our relationship with our bodies that could use some fixing!”
Body neutrality versus body positivity
The body-positivity movement may be a helpful approach for some, although it may feel unattainable for others. Holly unpacks how body neutrality offers an alternative: “It’s different because it’s
not focused on appearance. It’s about saying F-you to beauty standards and
thin ideals that say you should fix yourself, and moving to a relationship with your body that is non-judgemental. Ultimately, it’s not about how you look, but about you as a person.”
Being mindful of perfectionism
It’s important to be aware of how perfectionism can get in the way of
body neutrality. Holly explains that perfectionism may “lead to beliefs that
you have to be body-neutral all the time, or that you have to practise it ‘right’, which might lead to not giving it a go out of fear of failure”. To challenge this all-or-nothing thinking, Holly reminds us of what’s at the heart of the practice: “Being mindful, noticing your thoughts and choosing to practise neutrality.”
Changing any habit of thinking is tricky and, as Holly highlights, body neutrality can be hard and feel effortful to practise. “It’s a whole new way of relating to your body … those automatic judgements and criticisms of the body will still show up, which can feel disheartening and lead to thinking it can never change — but it can! Body neutrality is an ongoing practice; it’s not something to tick off and achieve. But, in time, hopefully you will notice more body neutrality, acceptance and respect.”
Connecting with compassion and a sense of common humanity
Given that practising body neutrality can be hard, it is important to approach your practice with patience, understanding and kindness. “Try not to judge yourself for your thoughts and be understanding that you can’t control your thoughts,” Holly guides. Although it sometimes doesn’t feel like it, you do have the power to choose how to respond to your thoughts.
Another challenge related to body-image struggles can be feeling isolated, disconnected and ashamed about your experience, especially when in the midst of your suffering. “Unfortunately, body-image difficulties are incredibly common. So it can be helpful to remember that you are not alone,” Holly reminds us.
“Given we live in a society that places a high value on appearance, that has thin ideals and often praises and encourages weight loss, it makes sense people struggle with body image and pick up
the message they need to fix or change their bodies. It’s not your fault, and your body is not the problem. Society and diet culture are the problems.”
From crippling criticism to calmer living
Over time, practising body neutrality can lead to greater internal ease and calm. “It’s a much-needed break from the constant critic in your mind that might be telling you you’re not good enough because you’re a certain shape or size, which will hopefully lead to less suffering,” Holly shares. “It can help you to stop trying to fix your body. And if you’re not trying to fix or change your body, you will have more time and mental energy to engage in things that are meaningful to you in life. It can allow you to do the things you might have been putting off until you ‘fixed’ your body, like going swimming with friends, eating the birthday cake or wearing the damn shorts. Life’s too short. Wear the shorts/skirt/dress/bathers with a F-it attitude!”
Body-neutrality reminders
Go easy on yourself. Learning how to be more body-neutral is like learning a new language. If you notice any striving with your practice or judging your judging, remember to be gentle with yourself — you are doing the best you can.
No end point. Body neutrality is a moment-to-moment practice that involves intention and choice. Some days, it may feel hard (or impossible) to practise. Other days, it may come with greater ease. And in time, it may start to flow more naturally and effortlessly.
Opposite action. Your practice will sometimes involve acting in a way that is very different to how you are thinking or feeling. Be sure to acknowledge how hard this can feel and celebrate your efforts.
Common humanity. In the midst of our own suffering, it’s easy to forget that most humans can relate to struggles associated with their bodies. While it’s important to acknowledge that individuals suffer in different ways and for different reasons, acknowledging this universal human experience may help with feeling a little less alone.
Willingness to try
Body neutrality is a courageous, intentional practice. To connect with a sense of gratitude for your body, Holly invites you to “think about what is meaningful and important to you and how your body allows you to do that. Whether it’s playing with your dog, swimming in the ocean, hugging loved ones, playing an instrument or it being the canvas for your tattoos.”
If you’d like to try out this way of relating
to your body, Holly encourages you to have a go. “Start practising with small
steps and try to approach your practice with curiosity, patience and willingness.
Be understanding that things won’t change overnight … give yourself time to practice. And remember you are human — you will likely have good body-image days and bad body-image days, and that’s okay. But know you are more than what your body looks like!”
Kaitlin McManus is a clinical psychologist who enjoys supporting people on their paths to healing by helping them to cultivate a more understanding and compassionate relationship with themselves and their struggles.
How to practise body neutrality
Mindful awareness. Observe your internal experience with curiosity. For example, you might notice self-critical thoughts, urges to “fix” yourself or painful emotions such as shame, disgust or worry. Describe what you observe without judgement. For example, I’m noticing I’m having negative thoughts about my appearance that are making me feel ashamed. See if holding space for these experiences, rather than clinging to or avoiding them, allows them to come and go with greater ease.
Redirect your attention. After acknowledging a difficult body-image moment, try redirecting your attention to something more meaningful. For example, your values such as diversity or on something external that you appreciate such as the fresh air you
can feel on your skin.
Neutral language. Try describing your body using neutral and non-judgemental language — take the emotion out of the words you use. For example, my tummy is soft and round.
Focus on functionality. Make time each day to reflect — by journalling or making mental notes — of what you appreciate about your body and/or what it allows you to do. For example, my eyes allow me to see beauty in nature, my arms allow me to hug my loved ones, my
ears allow me to listen to music.
Letting go. When you notice negative body-image thoughts, show yourself understanding. Then turn your mind towards a more helpful thought.
New sources of self-worth. “Think about what you value in your loved ones and use that to start to think about where you would like to get your self-worth from that’s not related to your body,” suggests Holly
Anchor with words. Create some body-neutral mantras you connect with. For example, my body is my home or my body is a vehicle, not an ornament. Put them on your phone or near your mirrors and return to them as needed.
Put pen to paper. Write a letter to your body from a compassionate standpoint — from a place of care and a wish to alleviate suffering. Or write a letter to your child self and share what you would like your past self to know with the wisdom you now have.
Include yourself in the circle of compassion. Consider how you speak to and treat others compared to how you talk to and treat yourself. Notice any discrepancies and try to acknowledge how this leaves you feeling. Commit to treating yourself with understanding, kindness and care. This may be mentally — for example, this is a difficult body-image moment for me. Or behaviourally, by engaging in an action that honours your true needs — for example, going for a walk with a friend for some connection, having a cup of tea to self-soothe or getting lost in a comforting book.
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