True connection and a sense of belonging with yourself is found in honouring the ebbs and flows of friendships — leaning into them when it feels right as well as listening to your intuition when it’s time to walk away.
It was 11.30am and I had so much work to do, but I couldn’t focus. I was feeling jittery and anxious because a very dear friendship was on the rocks and, for the life of me, I couldn’t work out why. We’d been so in sync — the way only close girlfriends can be — and, all of a sudden, it was like we were strangers.
I was trying to focus on my work when my phone beeped. She had sent me a text message: “Can you meet for lunch today?” I leapt up from my chair, even though I’d literally just told myself I’d do nothing but work until the early afternoon, replying “yes of course”, and hopped into the rental car I was using while mine was getting serviced. I drove to the cafe feeling rushed, my mind whirring way too fast. Did she want to talk to me about our friendship? Would I say something if she didn’t? How long would lunch take? And how much work would I have to catch up on later?
With all this, and more, roiling through my heart, mind and soul, I saw a parking spot and indicated that it was mine at the same time that someone else did. A wave of irritation and nervous energy surged through me — I needed this spot! — and, without thinking, I reversed my rental car too quickly into the parking spot … hitting a tree on the way.
I’ll never forget the sound of metal crunching into bark, the feeling of my heart sinking and the realisation that not only was I in the wrong place, but I was definitely there at the wrong time, too.
If I was honest with myself, I hadn’t wanted to meet her, not really. But I’d been so desperate to hold on to the relationship that I didn’t check in with my intuition first. My intuition that so strongly asked me to stay home — not simply because of work, but because I didn’t need to be pushing this relationship to be something it simply couldn’t be anymore.
I was so angry with myself. I walked into the cafe in tears, not able to enjoy one bite (or one moment of my friend’s banter). My concentration was drifting in and out of the conversation.
That impromptu lunch date cost me $1000 in car repair fees and was the beginning of the end of the friendship. But it was the biggest and best reminder of several truths that have since served me well.
Know yourself
I think one of the keys to truly enjoying your friendships is to understand yourself. For years, I gave myself such grief for not being the extrovert I thought I needed to be in order to have deep friendships.
Of course, now I know the opposite is true; I know my introverted nature is what helps me nurture the deepest relationships, and I’m more than OK with being the woman who has lots of very close girlfriends who I often see separately than one who is part of a large group of friends. (It’s taken me a while to get there, though.)
Be yourself
As part of knowing yourself, it’s important to simply be yourself, and to feel comfortable celebrating achievements and crying over missed goals alongside your pals. Your truest, most genuine friends won’t be intimidated by your success, nor will you be by theirs. However, not all friendships will stand the test of time when you’re truly shining your light — and that’s OK, too.
It had been several days since I’d publicly announced that I’d received a book deal and I hadn’t heard a peep from someone who I’d considered very close friend. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and still … nothing. Our years-long friendship had evaporated faster than you could type “author-to-be”.
I was crushed, but as author Marianne Williamson says, “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”
Sometimes it takes some work for you to be happy for others when you see them doing, being or having something that calls to you, too. But you have to know that when you see something in someone else’s life that you desire, it’s simply shining a light on what’s possible for you, too. And there is more than enough to go around. A rising tide lifts all the boats. Choose friends who are on board with that (pun intended).
Speak up
The best friendships — indeed the healthiest relationships — are ones in = which you’re free to speak up and, importantly, ones in which you feel seen and heard in return.
A little while ago, I ummed and ahhed for days over texting my best friend about something that had upset me. I knew she had a lot on her plate and I didn’t want to add to it … but by keeping my mouth closed, I was merely adding to my own. I felt really sad and I feared that if I didn’t speak up soon, I’d do something I’d later regret (retreating being the most likely option).
In Braving The Wilderness, researcher Brené Brown writes, “What we know now isthat when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.”
So I decided to own my emotion. I crafted the gentlest note I could — one that told her how I was feeling and laid no blame, because there was none to lay. And when I got her reply? “I love you more than words” was how it began and I knew that everything was OK. My sadness cleared and my best friend felt closer to me than ever before.
Trust in the abundance of friendships available to you
I find it both thrilling and comforting to think there are so many beautiful friendships that will enter my life that I don’t even know of yet.
When I was in high school and sometimes struggling to find my place in a group of girls (who seemed to “fit in” everywhere I didn’t), my mum would always say to me, “One day, you’ll find friends because of shared interests, not just because of a shared history.”
I’ve always remembered her saying that because (apart from it being a lifeboat for me at times) it’s been so true. I now have friends who get me (perhaps because I get myself), friends who hold me up when I need holding and who push me along when I need pushing; friendships that wouldn’t see me reversing into a tree because I now know — more than ever before — to tune into my intuition to help me deepen relationships that are important and let go of ones that have run their course.
You’ll have all kinds of friendships: onesthat last years; ones that come and go; friendships that need more of you than you can offer; friendships that finish before you’re ready; and, thankfully, friendships that unwaveringly carry you.
The best friendships don’t need to be forced and, when one friendship seems to be on the rocks, another might just be on its way. Letting go of friendships that aren’t serving you, however, isn’t easy to do — it can sometimes feel sad and lonely — but, as the old adage goes, nature abhors a vacuum. Freeing yourself of friendships that aren’t filling you up allows time, space and energy to find new people, those who’ll be there for you in life-affirming ways, or people who’ll be there for you when others simply can’t.
Words CASSIE MENDOZA-JONES
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