Confidence is one of those things that can either propel you forward to achieve your dreams or hold you back for fear of failure. Everyone faces this issue to some extent, at some point in their lives. The questions become: how confident are you, when do you feel the most confident and how can you build that confidence in times when you need it?
Confidence is really important for most people in most situations. If you’re lacking confidence, it can be difficult to get up the courage to go after what you want, whether it’s giving a presentation at work, asking someone to be your mentor or volunteering for a committee at your child’s school. It impacts on people everywhere.
Efficacy & esteem
There are two main elements that make up confidence: self-efficacy and self-esteem. When we have a sense of self-efficacy, we have the belief that if we work hard in a certain area we will be able to achieve our goals. This belief helps us take on difficult tasks and keep working through obstacles when we face them. When we have high self-efficacy, we are working in what Stanford professor Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, calls our growth mindset.
Self-esteem is essentially what we think and feel about ourselves; a judgement of our own self-worthiness. Our esteem of ourselves is a predictor of relevant outcomes such as job performance, academic achievements or personal habits. Expert Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as “the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness”.
Some people have such healthy levels of confidence they are bordering on arrogance. Others have a cripplingly low level, which affects every aspect of their lives. And research tells us women are prone to lower levels of confidence than men. In the recent The Atlantic cover story The Confidence Gap, highly respected US journalists and authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman reported that “under-qualified and under-prepared men don’t think twice about leaning in. Over-qualified and over-prepared, too many women still hold back. Women feel confident only when they are perfect. Or practically perfect.”
Even those who are brimming with confidence in some areas of their lives can be much less so in others. Take Oprah Winfrey for example. Most people would look at Oprah with her commanding presence and global platform and think such a woman would never have a crisis of confidence. But even Oprah herself has stated that, while she thrives being on stage in front of thousands speaking on matters of the heart, emotions and finding your purpose, give her a problem of a mathematical or technical nature and her confidence goes straight out the window.
The important point to remember is that it’s not an all-or-nothing game. And the good news is that you can build confidence, both in yourself and in others. Here are five areas you can start working on today to help establish and build your confidence so it can have a positive flow-on effect on every area of your life.
Take stock
Often when you lack confidence you have forgotten about your achievements, the great things you have accomplished and skills you have developed that make you who you are. Human brains are wired for negativity, meaning you have a bias to focus on the problems in your life and on what can go wrong. This is great when you need to run away from danger, like that snake in the bush, but not so helpful when you are about to give a major presentation or a speech at the local school.
When you feel less than confident about your abilities, take some time to write down a list of your recent wins, things you have done that you are really proud of or things that other people have commented on. It could be anything, from the dinner party you hosted on Saturday night to finishing your book or PhD. It’s also helpful to write down a list of your skills so you can reflect on them next time you feel that wave of negativity crashing down on you.
Focus on your strengths
Just as we are wired for negativity, we are also geared toward looking at our weaknesses rather than our strengths. There has been significant work done over the past 20 years, pioneered by the Gallup organisation, around what happens when we focus on and use our strengths instead of our weaknesses. Your strengths give you a rush of energy and take you into the state of flow, where you lose time because you are so absorbed in what you are doing. When you use your strengths, your wellbeing, happiness, productivity and engagement at work all increase. When you feel less than confident it can be all too easy to start focusing on your weaknesses.
When you need a boost of confidence, try instead to pick one of your strengths and use that to propel you forward. The more you can use your strengths in your days, the greater your confidence will be and the more it will build over time. There is a great free character strengths test you can take through the VIA Institute at viame.org.
Watch for your triggers
Often when you feel your confidence waning, or when it just disappears altogether, there is a trigger that sets you off. By trying to pinpoint those moments where you feel undermined, you can learn to short-circuit them at the gate.
Think of these situations as examples: it’s Monday morning and you have overslept, raced out the door without breakfast and barely had time to run a brush through your hair let alone find the right jacket for your suit. You arrive feeling less than fabulous when your boss calls a meeting where you need to update her on your latest project. Not feeling great about yourself, you do a less than stellar job and walk out feeling dejected. The trigger here was being rushed and not being physically put together in a way that instilled confidence in yourself (and in others, no doubt).
Or think about this one: you have that friend who always seems to make a comment about you that gets under your skin just the right amount to leave you feeling undermined and less than sure of yourself. This is another trigger that can zap your confidence. Work out what your triggers are, then set strategies in place to either ensure they don’t happen or fast-track your way past them.
Change your story
A few interrelated things that dramatically impact your confidence are your negative self-talk, your self-limiting beliefs and the stories you tell yourself. We have somewhere between 60,000 and 80,000 thoughts a day. When you really start to tune into them, it can be astonishing to notice just how many of those thoughts are negative stories about yourself that would horrify you if anyone actually heard them articulated. Yet we allow these stories to ramble around inside our heads, affecting everything we do.
When you can start to tune in to your negative self-talk, understand where your self-limiting beliefs are coming from, really hear the story and learn to change it when it is not helpful, you can radically change your confidence levels and even change your life.
Build quiet time into your days through meditation or mindfulness practice so you can really tune in and start to discern the voices. When you hear a story or a belief coming up, the first and most helpful question to ask yourself is, “Is this true?” If it is true and it’s helpful, there’s no problem. But if it’s not, think about what a more helpful and confidence-raising story could be and go with that instead. By doing this over time, you will create new stories that will help you, not harm you.
Build your support network
Who do you have in your corner who is your best cheerleader? Who in your workplace is your greatest advocate? Which of your friends or family do you love spending time with because they make you feel so great about yourself? Hopefully, you have someone in your life that makes you feel like the very best version of yourself. You just feel that little bit taller, brighter and shinier when you are around them. These are the type of people you want to surround yourself with as much as possible, and certainly they are the people you want to call when you need a boost of confidence.
Think about who in your life can play the role of cheerleader and supporter. It could be your best friend, your boss, your mum or even your child. When you need that little extra boost before a job interview, a big meeting or perhaps even a date, your support team can be invaluable to help get you through.
If you don’t have someone you can call on, or they aren’t available at your critical moment, build yourself a confidence toolkit. Your toolkit could include a favourite song that you blast as loud as you can while dancing around your living room. It could be a favourite piece of clothing or pair of shoes that makes you feel great. Or it could be that fabulous red lipstick or spicy aftershave.
Have these things ready and on hand when you need them. Even if you do have your best friend on speed dial, having your favourite things ready to go can only add to your confidence. The more tools the merrier.
Confidence is a muscle you can build. It doesn’t matter where you are starting from, just that you move forward with positive intention and know the direction in which you are going. Start small. Little successes in increasing your confidence can make a big difference over time and you will grow as you go. Use the strategies here and you may find that over time your confidence blooms like a spring rose — and it will be a beautiful sight to behold for all around you.
8 thoughts to enhance your confidence levels
1. When you feel most confident, what are you doing?
2. When you feel you lack confidence, what are the triggers? Try to pinpoint the moments or situations that undermine your confidence, and write them down.
3. Our confidence often suffers due to stories we tell ourselves. What are your stories that come up when you are lacking confidence?
4. When you have identified your story, ask yourself, “Is this true?”, and write down your answers. Do this for each story you have identified as a confidence robber.
5. What are the new stories you need to create for yourself that will replace the old limiting beliefs?
6. Write down a list of your achievements, skills and key wins over the past 12 months. Use this as a source of strength when you need a confidence boost.
7. Who in your support system sees you as the best version of yourself? How can you utilise these people as a resource when you need a confidence boost.
8. What are some of the small things you can integrate into your day to give yourself a boost? Think about things that add to your confidence, like getting your hair or makeup done, a particular outfit, a lucky bracelet or a certain way you give a presentation.
Megan Dalla-Camina is a corporate strategist, coach, speaker and author. You can connect with her at megandallacamina.com. Her book, Getting Real About Having It All, is published by Hay House.
