It would be nice if life always went to plan, but sadly that’s often not the case. Life can be frustrating at times. In her book, Change Your Thinking, psychologist Dr Sarah Edelman explains that, “Frustration is a feeling we experience when we don’t get our needs met, or when some obstacle impedes our ability to achieve a goal.” Frustration can also arise when where you are in your life isn’t where you want to be. Physician and psychotherapist Dr Russ Harris refers to this as the “reality gap” in his book The Confidence Gap.
Dr Harris explains, “Whenever there’s a large ‘reality gap’ — by which I mean a gap between the reality we want and the reality we got — painful feelings will arise. And the larger the reality gap, the greater the pain. A small reality gap may give rise to feelings of disappointment, frustration, anxiety, regret, boredom, guilt or impatience. An enormous reality gap may give rise to despair, angst, rage or terror.”
Whether your reality gap is big or small right now, or your frustrations stem from health issues, relationship problems, under-achievement, money worries, or a situation that is out of your control, you can overcome frustration by shifting your mindset, taking small actions, and finding more ease, flow and acceptance in your life.
5 strategies for overcoming frustration
1. Question your assumptions
Assumptions can be a big driver of life frustration. What assumptions have you brought into your adult life from your childhood? Did you assume you would:
- Live in a certain type of house?
- Be married?
- Have a certain number of kids?
- Have good health?
- Have a stable job?
- Be making a certain amount of money?
- Have travelled extensively around the world?
Whatever your assumptions were, you may find that as you get older and notice that some of your assumptions haven’t happened yet (and may not happen), it can be hard to reconcile. It can be difficult to come to terms with not being where you believed you “should” be or wanted to be. I know I have struggled with this over the years.
I always assumed I’d get married, have two kids, work in a full-time job earning good money, live in a big home with a backyard and pool, be fit and healthy, and have enough money to travel and maybe even buy a holiday home. My life assumptions mostly reflected how I grew up, what I saw around me and cultural norms. But often assumptions don’t take into account the complexity of life.
At nearly 40, my life doesn’t look exactly as I assumed it would. Some things I have achieved and others I haven’t. This reality gap can feel frustrating at times. What I didn’t expect in my life was to be dealing with chronic health issues since my 20s, that my ability to work full-time and earn a consistent income would be compromised as a result, or that I would have reproductive issues that influenced my family size. But this is how life unfolds. Life is often full of unexpected challenges.
Life doesn’t always go smoothly and sometimes your assumptions can get in the way of feeling good about your life. Assumptions can leave you focused on what you don’t have, rather than on what you do. Let go of assumptions that are no longer serving you, make peace with how your life is and turn your focus to all the good in your life.
2. Loosen up your expectations
If you have high expectations of yourself and others, you’re likely to feel frustrated when you let yourself down, or others disappoint you. Do you find yourself getting easily frustrated when things don’t go the way you think they should? According to Edelman, common beliefs that underly a low tolerance for frustration include:
- “Things should be fair”
- “My life should unfold smoothly, without hassles”
- “People should always do the right thing”
- “My generosity should always be returned”
- “I should never make mistakes”
- “I should be aware of all possible problems and prevent them”
When you feel things should go a certain way, it’s easy to feel frustrated and stressed when they don’t. High expectations can also make you overly critical of yourself and others. To overcome frustration in your life, consider loosening up your high expectations by being kinder to yourself and others.
Give yourself permission to not always get things right or to have all the answers. As you extend more kindness to yourself, you’ll find it easier to cut others some slack too. You can be kinder by assuming the best in others. So often people are going through their own challenging times and you may not always see their best side. We are all human, we’re all doing the best we can and we’re all fallible at times.
3. Be mindful of your ambition
Ambition in life is great and it’s an exciting journey to push yourself to reach your potential. However, ambition can also be a source of frustration and self-criticism. When you feel you’re not achieving enough, not moving fast enough, falling behind or running out of time, it can be hugely frustrating. Ambition can make you hyper focus on what you haven’t achieved. The constant striving can lead to discontentment and harsh self-talk.
As I’ve been writing my first book, I’ve felt frustrated with my slow progress and come up against a lot of negative self-talk. I’ve been working on my book for years. It’s been a tough road and at times I’ve wanted to give up. However, I really want to write this book because I know it will help people who are going through what I’ve been through. My ambition to bring this book to life has become a source of deep inspiration, as well as deep frustration. The frustration has often turned to harsh self-criticism, where I question if I’m good enough, if I will ever finish, or if anyone will even read my work.
When you become frustrated with yourself and your progress, check in and reframe your thinking. Don’t let negative self-talk undermine your ability to achieve great things. Adopt a more empowering self-dialogue by consciously choosing a more balanced perspective, by using my Reframe Your Thinking reflective exercise:
Questions and Examples
1. Identify: What thought is driving your frustration?
I should have finished my book by now.
2. Feel: How is this thought making you feel?
It makes me feel embarrassed, lazy and like giving up sometimes.
3. Reflect: What assumption underlies this thought?
I assumed I’d be faster as I’ve been a writer for more than a decade. I know people who’ve written books quickly.
4. Balance: Is this assumption 100 per cent true, fair and helpful?
I’ve been writing while contending with health issues, family commitments and other work projects. It’s not helpful to compare my journey with others.
5. Reframe: Is there a better thought to have in this situation?
My book might be taking longer than I assumed, but I’m taking my time to get it right and not sacrifice my health. Good things take time.
6. Connect: How does this new way of thinking make you feel?
It makes me feel less stressed, more resilient and motivated. I’m more accepting of my journey.
7. Envisage: How will this new thought change your actions?
I feel excited and energised to keep writing. I won’t give up!
4. Bridge the gap
Action-taking is a powerful antidote to frustration. In most cases in life, there’s something you can do to help bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Are you actively trying to improve the situation that’s frustrating you? Are you looking for ways to overcome your obstacles?
Don’t let your frustrations define you or stop you, but instead let them direct you and fuel your creative problem-solving. Don’t be afraid to start small. Break down your goals into smaller action steps that are more manageable, sustainable and allow you to work with your current limitations.
Whether your limitations are around time, energy, health, money or something else, look for the next small step forward instead of waiting for life to be “perfect” or to feel 100 per cent ready. As soon as you start to take action, your sense of control and agency increases. Brainstorm, think outside the box, get creative, chat with others and be willing to embrace the power of small action.
5. Accept what’s out of your control
Sometimes in life, things happen that are outside of your control. These situations are truly tough to deal with and can be deeply frustrating. Maybe you need to accept a chronic illness, a life-changing disability, a relationship breakdown, a divorce, the death of a loved one or being fired from a job. At some time or another, everyone is required to dig deep and accept a hard reality.
While acceptance is difficult, it can also be empowering. In The Happiness Trap, Dr Harris says, “Acceptance…doesn’t mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality — acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.”
As hard as it might be, is there something you need to accept in your life? According to psychologist Arlin Cuncic, you might be stuck in resistance if you say things like this:
- “I can’t deal with this”
- “This is not fair”
- “Things shouldn’t be like this”
- “Why is this happening to me?”
While resistance may make sense in the face of change, loss and grief, when you can accept what is, life becomes a little easier to deal with. Cuncic says, “By accepting things for what they are, you can acknowledge your emotions without denying, avoiding or ignoring the situation. It can be an effective way to process your emotions and manage difficult experiences.”
Having gone through chronic illness twice in my life, I know how hard acceptance can be. I’ve had to learn how to accept what is and to move through pain and sadness. I’ve found creating acceptance mantras helpful, as they ground and reconnect me to my inner strength. Try creating your own mantra, or using one of these:
- “I am strong and can face this”
- “I don’t like what is happening, but it is happening”
- “I make space for all the good and difficult in life”
- “I trust this experience will serve a purpose in the≈future”
While resistance keeps you stuck in what was, acceptance gives you the opportunity to move forward and make changes. When you accept and surrender to what is, you place yourself in a better position to find peace, to flow with life and to move forward in a meaningful way.
